Journal Entry - Blog Posts

Day 1 | 16/10/23 | 23:27

Ratings: ¬Dissociation 4/10 ¬Mood 7/10 ¬Motivation 5/10 ¬Energy 4/10 ¬Overall 6/10

Summary: An average day today! Woke up much later than intended, meaning I had a much later bus to catch in order to get home from my partners. Made it back safe, and have spent the day doing creative activities that I was unable to do over the weekend. Didn't have the motivation to do a clean like I wanted to, but settled on taking the bins out at the very least. I cooked a nice meal too (if you count chicken dinosaurs as a nice meal). New hyperfixation of zombie apolocypse, which has me captivated. Overall, it's been a neutral day, but I'm still proud of myself! Side Note: I've been meaning to start this internet journal for months now, so I'm glad I've got around to it now! Whether I'm speaking into a void, or have even the smallest of audience's, I'm happy either way. Until tomorrow, Vio <3

---- 2/10/2024 entry

* Today I downloaded GTA the trilogy!! I'm starting with GTA III and it looks good.

* My sister is changing schools, she's 18 so she can do whatever she wants but my mom is so heartbroken, it's so sad to see her this way.

* I felt an urge to relapse into starving, but I KILLED that urge, murdered, gone !!

* On Monday I'll have swimming classes so i decided to go on a 1200 kcal diet until Monday, I'll do HIIT daily and walk a lot + 16:8. Ik thats kinda unhealthy but i wanna look good quick and i swear ill return to eating normal after monday LOLLL

* I was on a walk with my mom for like an hour and a half, I absolutely love walking with her, and I love her, she's the best <3

* That's it lol, nothing really happenned :') byeee🩷🪽

---- 1/10/2024 entry

* It's finally october, yay! I love fall, it's so cozy and its perfect for staying inside, sleeping, reading or baking. It's also the month where i will start my diet and working out again, since tomorrow ill have a mini treadmill!

* Today was fine, ig. I had two tests at school and got A's from both. After school I slept the whole day. The only thing that makes me kinda mad is that I have two freaking pimples on my forehead, ughhh I hate getting my period.

* Did yall heard about the Diddy situation? I digged so much into it, spent 3 hours straight watching YouTube videos about it that I don't think I'll sleep tonight. Im just so sorry for his victims - he's disgusting and he's gonna rot in hell. I also believe he killed Tupac..

* That's it for today! Ik, pretty boring, but a journal is a journal, so I had to write an entry loll !! Bye angels xx 🩷🪽

Decisions

I never know which blog to post a specific theme to and juggle the idea around for each 🤔

Stormfluid Blog - Things to share with her

Wife Sharing Confessions - Hard to say topics of what I want/like/have been through

The dark abyss was enticing me, it was calling and it took everything to not go meet her mid-way; Let her swallow me whole.

Who should worry most about climate change? 

a) Poor people. They’re the most vulnerable to the harmful effects of climate change, including natural disasters and disease. Some people benefit from practices that exacerbate climate change - if those people were at risk, they’d be actively fighting those practices. My teacher drew a diagram on the board; poor people live in one area and rich people live in the other. If the rich people want to build a big yucky factory, they’ll build it where the poor people live, because they don’t have any money for lawyers. This is the way it’s been all over the world. 

b) People who live by the sea. Rising sea levels, flooding, and storms won’t treat those places will. A lot of property will be damaged, people displaced, and coastal cities could be underwater before the century is out. Boston is my home. I don’t want my people or my family to be uprooted by water. I don’t want the history, art, and architecture of my city to go underwater - it’s too beautiful for that.

As I Empty The Clip | "A Return To Love."

February 19, 2020

"Be patient with me.

Im doing my best to open up and surrender my vulnerability with you but it takes time

Understanding my feelings don’t come so easy to me as it may to you but I’m eager to know them

But-

I mess up sometimes, I hurt other times, I laugh, and sing and shout with joy, but I also cry sometimes

And it may not be all that you’re seeking and I don’t expect you to but respect my timing is all I’m asking for

I love really hard and I care very deeply but I worry if that same passion would be returned to me 10 fold,

would it be misunderstood? Would it be too much? Things like that

I'm unlearning old habits of fleeing in the midst of confusion and misunderstanding or just shutting off

completely

I know its not healthy but I’m doing the work of seeing myself

But do not think that this is my call for help, I’ve done that a long time ago,

just a letter for deeper understanding so you can know partially, why I do the things I do.

That it isn’t out of spite but a trauma response

I am not my trauma

I can change

My past doesn’t define me

Nor does your vision of me

So be easy with my unbecoming or don’t be here at all

Challenge me but don’t abuse my soft spots

I've been through enough of that already

I’m due for new

I’m due for some proper loving,

So on the days when I don’t feel so whole or together ask me, in what ways do you need to be loved today?

And I’ll tell you open and honestly

But only if you are patient with me."

A Raw Unedited Entry from My Hand-Written Journal--My Dream

“31.10

My dream is to one day soon live in the Santa Cruz Mountains, or maybe somewhere in Washington, with no technology. I want to bring a whole library of books, a car, an iPod, a type write or MAYBE a laptop with only Word on it. I want to wakeup before sunset every day and hike while the sun is rising. I want to maybe go fishing. I will search the forest for treats...I won’t even need to shower. I can meditate. Maybe I’ll occasionally drive to the ocean and explore the area. I can find farmers’ markets and only buy from small businesses. I’ll have a garden next to my cabin. I can write a book, some poetry, a biography. I can journal. I could bring Bodhi (my Bernese Mountain Dog) to keep me company. Or maybe Louis + Barkley (my other two dogs). I’ve been dreaming about this for a while now and I might have to do it this summer. Maybe Ray + Anna will be nearby and they’ll be able to visit me.

I’d only use snailmail and I’d be so isolated I would have to row to the mainland everyday. 

I want this so badly.

I need this.

Then I might feel happy.”

--I wrote this late at night and I was in a pensive mindset. I was drawing a lot in my journal and I started to draw a picture of what happiness looked like to me, so i decided to add an accompanying description. Me writing this does not mean that I am not happy, it is just an alternative happiness. One that is less complicated, more straight-forward, and probably happier... 

a confidence in the heart, a tranquility in the mind 

something i forgot to mention in this post, is that after id left my room to do my chores, many stranger things had happened following the discovery of the strange dvd. id forgotten to include this for whatever reason, but the hot glue i was looking for was still lost. i could not make my bracelet or fix anything id needed to fix for some time since itd been missing. i had checked everywhere and after id walked my dogs, had asked my brother if he knew where it was and if he had it to just tell me and id use it and give it back. my brother had become so consumed by emotion, he grew angry, and it confused me greatly. he said “fine!” and ran to his room and retrieved a candle and a lighter then sat them down on the table. id asked him, “what are you doing?” rightfully confused. and hed just told me to wait and watch. he closed his eyes and started whispering over the lit candle flame and i watched as the candle light flickered and responded to his question. i was very concerned and confused and went to tell my mother. she was very angry after the whole hot glue incident with my brother earlier, i still do not know why, as it is just hot glue. but id found everyone strangely more upset than usual over this hot glue, so it was seeming to become a trend. and upon hearing about what i had just seen she was even more upset to hear what id told her. we were both very confused to where hed learned to do that and why hed done it at all. he told me hed asked it where the hot glue was and itd told him it was in the garage. it was not, infact, in the garage upon looking. so it was already a deceptive voice. but after that was done, the energy in the house had shifted. the lighting had felt a bit dimmer, everything just slightly darker than the usual for the night. and the energy around me was prickly like i could feel the static in the air. the turning point when id known something was wrong was when my dog, the black one, was sitting upstairs, and as i was walking up the stairs. his face hadnt stopped to look at my own, but instead up above my head toward the ceiling, and it stayed there until i was well up the stairs and approaching him. i followed his gaze as it shifted up the remainder of the stairs and to the foyer where we both sat. my dog absolutely lost his mind at that and ran straight into his kennel. when id approached him, hed growled at me. he was incredibly startled and wouldnt get near me or the stairs. i dont know what he saw, but obviously it wasnt good. and i felt it, at my back. i could feel a presence directly behind me following me around like a dog on a leash. i was startled and the feeling of it being so close had me on edge, as it followed me back to my room. at this, i stopped skimming through the strange dvd. and i was sick of feeling it hover over me. so i went and told my mother, and she said shed clean the energy in the house when shed sleep later, that she felt it become dreary as well. the dogs downstairs were freaking out the same, howling and barking. it was an unsettling night and sure enough, did not get better as the night went on. when everyone was asleep and the cleaning had been done, id stepped outside my room and tasted the energy around me. the sticky cold texture of peanut butter confection layed dormant in the air. like whatever it was that cast it outward was still and waiting. unable to move and possibly in an inbetween. i stayed in place and waited myself as well, to see if anything would change and sure enough i heard a faint tapping sound from somewhere in the house and what i could describe to be breathing, out in the foyer to the room adjacent of the hallway, and leading to the stairs. breathing like that found in sleep. though it did not bother me to hear, as it is heavily prominent in my reality to hear such things. though it soon dissipated as the night went on, and energy began to settle from its frenzied state into a clean page for a new day to be described on. that is all. a strange day filled with much stranger things. cant say id like for it to happen again.

today the strangest thing happened. id been making kandi all day, a long awaited task turned furthermore into a burden as the days dragged on and continued to the sooner end of the summer season. when id found myself soaked in the silk of a conundrum. i needed hot glue because i lacked any type of punctuation mark for the ending to a bracelet i was making. however i had no such exclamation mark. so i had made one of an upside down i, however i needed to glue it to my other letter for this to work. yet no luck, the glue was missing. obviously bewildered by this, i searched and asked around finally leading back to the layer by which my brother bodes his domain. it quickly escalated and got out of hand, as his response to my questioning was that to assume my inquiry implied that of theivery. it did not but he knows not with his young age to listen. so alas i was thrown out to look elsewhere. my parents had gone so i took to it with the free space from the car having vacated the area where the storage bins lay. and i got to work opening and looking into them. i knew of two hot glue vestiges in my home. two documented ones at least, as they both routinely go missing and reappear at random, i knew better than to not take the time to look inside the office storage bins in particular. and as i dug through my first box in particular, i found photos of myself from deep in my very first term growing period to my most recent. i, being the first born was always the most heavily documented on, of my sibling collective. which is fine so to speak as i have proper proof for my experiences and that of my life previously to my most recent years. however i had come upon a pooled amount of dvds at the bottom, after i had divvied out some pictures of myself for the taking to add to my childhood shoebox. many familial events and activities, holidays, school photos, my parents wedding, stuff like that. however there was a dvd entitled “((my name)) photos” i was confused about the title so i set it in the pile with the other things i was certain id never find and left shortly after to make my departure. however when id put the disc into my tv after id arrived in my room. itd made many strange noises. then inexplicably brought me to a picture of a snowy mountain, in what looked to be a tundra climate. i stared at the photo for awhile just pondering the whole thing, before i realised it was a sort of slideshow. i pressed the remote for the next slide and took note that all of the slides were more or less the same thing. the disc being full of pictures of the dreary antarctic. where images of snowy mountains and clusters of strange looking penguin hold themselves a collective. though it continued endlessly, of eerie near perfect looking snowy mountains, surrounded by water and such. the photographer perhaps on a boat. i found it went on forever, me skipping through them for a solid half hour maybe, before i was called to do some chores. id been gone for a long time too, about midnight, as is the curse of leaving my room and stalling my way back to the connecting hallways, always somehow leading back to my door. i got right back to skipping through the slideshow. and the photos did not change, and there was no option to go backward. i took a short video of what i was seeing, to try to picture it better in explanation. but its really short as my phone stopped itself from recording not even 20 seconds in because of low storage-__-

im not very sure what to make of this, what association i am supposed to draw from a cd with my name on it, implying photos of me through its titling. and what the frequent photos of the antarctic imply to me as a person. this is quite the query, is it not? im afraid to take it out of my dvd player as i do not want to lose my place in the sequence of images i have found myself lost in. many of these photos beyond uncanny in a way i cannot pinpoint. perhaps it is the entailment of isolation making me feel this way. as i find myself anxious thinking of the endless artic tundra and pointlessness provided to me in such an environment, leading me to an endless feild of water, all surrounding to my periphery. a true nightmare to be lost to the ice and water beholdent in these photos. how i long to be away from it and yet i am viewing it from beyond that of a distance. i wonder what this is reflective of if not my own fear, is it true that our fears are what make us ourselves? i wonder where i heard that from. maybe in the future, i am these photos. maybe im the one taking them. or maybe these photos are just meant to represent me as an individual being. like finn from adventure time representing a sword when not trapped to that of a flesh corporeal form. regardless, perhaps these images were placed here for me to find when id come the age of understanding. i will ponder this more frequently as it has happened now a time ago, since id started writing this. yesterday to be exact. and i am still unsure if i even want to keep looking through the slideshow, as im not sure if it will ever end and time has not been very generous to me as of late. we will see. for now it is a mystery i will continue to write about.

continuation to this post

I had my chance, I missed them, or blatantly turned away; every single one. I had many chances. Now, this grief is entirely on me. I'll spare you of any final apology. I'm sorry. Goodbye. I hope you'll turn out to be well, whatever might the situation be.

I stole this from myself, lol. R.I.P. to this Deetzy when she wrote that.

"When I stood in the kitchen last June, I was looking at all the pictures of you on the walls, the evidence that you existed in a space I was standing in. And then you walked into the house -- lord I wanted to cry. Somehow all I managed to do, was put on a dopey grin and wave."

𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘳𝘺, 𝘓𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺, 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘢𝘥𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴. 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘶𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘦. 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘨𝘶𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦. 𝘐 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘣𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳, 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘢 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘵, 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨—𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥. 𝖸𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌 𝖳𝗋𝗎𝗅𝗒 𝖮𝗉𝗁𝖾𝗅𝗂𝖺

—𝖠 𝗅𝖺𝖽𝗒 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗊𝗎𝗂𝗅𝗅, 𝖩𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗎𝗇𝖻𝗋𝗂𝖽𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝗌𝗈𝗎𝗅.

Letter #30

These shoes never walked a single step astray From the memories of skin in that dingy underway In their wake comes everything I once held dear to say Tightened laces bracing forth through times of "come what may" While you fall on a prayer you wont remember me this way Love, you wont remember me each day.

Date Written: 25th of October, 2023

Letter #26

She didn't know how to rest yet Hadn't learnt the point of growing up Curled lips and big bright eyes Vein attempts at masking her truth She built palaces with her words Enrapturing swarms with pretty lies Answer "I'm happy" in earnest when asked Naive to knowing emptiness isn't meant to fill If only charms didn't cost her a sense of self When rose coloured glasses lose their hue Tell me, what else is a young girl to do? She'll learn the lesson of life eventually Little by little, day by day, Time will tell every tale that shall come Each rose petal guiding her forward The future will change her pace Discovering what it means to slow down Dream in something other than clouds Her mind knew not of certainty No shining knight, no protective shield Mercy found only beyond towering walls As their creator, she shall soon be their end But refusing destruction beyond herself There is only so much a tender heart can mend A limbo she lives, hopelessly hopeful Spinning until she becomes spun So for now, let youth recklessly take her It's not a lesson you can teach her She has to learn it on her own

Date Written: 23rd of September, 2023

Letter #20

Let's meet again In another life If not conversely Then to share Silently sweet smiles Polite passing nods Where you don't Look like "you" And I resemble Only simple nothings Let's meet again As different minds Shall our shadows Split into 4s Beyond all connection Where time begins

Date Written: 9th of September, 2023

Letter #19

I tried to find your love At the bottom of my bag But all I found was hairties And receipts of our outings Forgotten about months ago I tried to find your love At the bottom of a liquor bottle But I got lost between regrets And memories of our laughter In a call that no longer exists I tried to find your love At the bottom of your shoes But their spot by my door was empty And the footprints I once followed Now covered in snow, invisible I tried to find your love At the bottom of this denial But deep down I know it's gone And your words have become relics Time didn't stop for us

Date Written: 8th of September, 2023

Letter #18

Strings intertwined cause friction Somehow prized as this winning affliction So eager to tie our own ropes Yet all I can think of are the breaks and bends They're burning the candle from both ends Cascading wax leaks through my fingertips Is a string meant to melt? To dissipate? Sparks without a pulse to accommodate What a reward to be drenched in oil Awaiting the next pretty flicker of flame To set ablaze every notion of it's fame The tale of a red knot tangled

Date Written: 2nd of September, 2023

Letter #17

Make me talk, make me sing Wash away everything Teeth on skin is the answer Meld me into flickering amber Design my body, change it's shape Run your fingers by my nape Melted through this simple touch Have my knees return to mush Break me, remake me Swear an oath, a loyal devotee As long as morning never comes Let us exist amongst loving hums

Date Written: 2nd of September, 2023

Letter #16

You tempt and toy with my mind as your playground Never settling, never quenched My emotions are your strings As you move you play melodies You ask me to tell you about all the ways one can be bad I felt my stomach retreat upon it's mention Unassuming expectations for the storm you lit within Rather than words I would show you Slowly, fervently Lacing each second of your intrigue with worship But these requests from your lips I can never accept Saving tongue-tied advances for strangers beds instead Self reflection set a boundary around your sneakers "A line where no love may land" And through tangled heat I know we'd cross it My heart unfit already shivering at your voice so sweet The game you're playing caught all my thoughts off guard Begging me as I remind you of the rules you made My muse your words are cruel Feigned innocence far crueler With each bated breath my morals are in agony Truly you bring out the worst in me

Date Written: 29th of August, 2023

Letter #15

I still think about you some days - Most days. It's been hard not to when the home you made for yourself in my heart was left to ache without any remedy or closure to sooth it. I wonder what you're doing now days, and who you're doing it with. The thought doesn't fuel jealousy through my veins so much as it does a sense of melancholic acceptance, as I know no matter where you found yourself, it wasn't somewhere I belonged. I hope you're going well, that your same bad jokes and unjustified confidence still annoy yet endear you into the lives of everyone you meet. Getting over you has been hard, impossible maybe, I'm unsure. Years in and my journey still isn't over. But, I know I'm glad that you left. Maybe I didn't accept it at the time, but this space has been healthy. You were a good chapter of my life, a fanciful page I needed to turn to feel satisfied by the storyline ahead. The fan favourite, re-read lovingly on special nights where the comfort of slipping into something safe is needed. I still think about you some days, most days, but it's less than I used to and I'm proud of myself for that. I'd like to think if we ever met one another again, it'd be in passing with awkward small talk and half-hearted goodbyes as our only exchanges - because as much as I cherish you still dearly, some things belong in the past as memories. Perfectly and sweetly, with love.

Date Written: 25th of August, 2023

Letter #14

Hands sinking from this intrinsic weightlessness These contradictions spill out of me With every rhythmic throbbing of the arteries As though it were inherently innate to lose reason Reluctancy claimed it's vested right to my chest The thought bringing it all into perpetual deliberation An impending consequential end to touch Like a clock continuously thrust into resetting Hands disheveled, scraping, tired Sinking.

Date Written: 20th of August, 2023

Letter #13

I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I needed something that would keep me sane Same old one with the ultra slim filter, fresh burst blue I guess because somehow it still reminds me of you My mind wanders with each deepened breath Thoughts I'd share, if not for your death Would you be proud of me for just being around? Or wished I had done something more profound? With each swift flick to turn on my lighter I enter a strangers bed for another all-nighter I'd love to talk about him with you some day How this love left me a messy bundle of disarray For now though, all that remains is ash Memories torn, our photos left by the trash I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I wanted to feel like I did when I was ten At least I could talk to you back then

Date Written: 18th of August, 2023

Letter #12

"You deserve better." Cowardness trickling through each word A lie is laced in fickle venom An attempt at some redemption As if you weren't deflecting Off a heart you didn't desire "You deserve better." It did not hurt me because it's untrue It did not hurt me because I wanted you It was accepting what had been left to die When you just couldn't think up an excuse That would make for a better goodbye "You deserve better." How hard did you try to make yourself believe it? Would it have been that hard to admit? I thought with me you'd show your real colour But the choices were grey Turning simple and duller "You deserve better." Did you expect me to shed a tear? Yes, maybe it's true My forwardness might cast a shadow But at least I know how to be more honest Than this a lie on which you insist

Date Written: 13th of August, 2023

Letter #11

I will fade away from your life Just like the petals That have outgrown their bloom Softly, quietly Leaving only gentle traces My dear sunflower Thank you for the light Though my spring cannot last forever Your resounding presence Shall never come to wilt As I return to the earth I hope the breeze is kind I hope it carries me caringly across the sea To a land where soils can nurture The dust that has become me May my stem descend to the ground Away from your gazes Beyond the reach of your touch With only one last apology to be given I fear for me this world was simply too much

Date Written: 14th of August, 2023

Letter #10

You are my apple seed Daily dose of poison Your world promises wellness "It only costs a bite" But beneath the flesh you hide Delicious seeds of cyanide Sweet almond tart delight "What a wonderful morning meal" If only it wasn't for the chemicals You so covertly conseal Such a painless little portion "There's no harm in one or two" I indulge and think no more About what a tiny seed could do But they add up one by four Trickled rain turns pouring fall All because of the innocuous Your hidden apple core

Date Written: 14th of August, 2023

Note #9

Experiences may have lended their wisdom, Taught me how not to be like that monster. It's true I have gained new vision, however; My trauma did not make me stronger. The lessons it taught were too strict, Turned me afraid of being a bother. Yet you will not hear me faulter as I say; My trauma did not make me stronger. It left me beaten, battered and bruised, Now left to walk with poor posture. Please stop telling me time will fix things; My trauma did not make me stronger.

Date Written: 13th of August, 2023

Letter #8

My little daffodil, Resting all alone without any sunlight. What's given you that might? How many demons were you made to fight? Do you know there's no end to what I'd give In the mere hope that it'd help you feel alright? Because I'm sat here, chest clenched tight Pleading with the harshness of the night. "If only the stars would give some heed to this weary plight" "If only my warmth through unconditional love you'd requite" Your petals shine so bright, Resting all alone with the moonlight. Always so close to that beautiful, unifying sight But never quite.

Date Written: 12th of August, 2023

Letter #7

Seeing you happy still means the world to me But that joy has grown a contradiction "What is a love without it's strength?" "What is a heart without it's flaws?" My love once so unconditionally sweet Gained a rancid taste, bitter and overripe A fruit left neglected for years Such sharp textures for something so contrite I once promised you the universe To this day I would still serve it to you Only my hands are tainted with soil No longer clean enough to use If I love you, I should let you free A true effort to prove my loyalty Yet the temptation of a bird cage Now sounds the kindest to me

Date Written: 11th of August, 2023