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Letter - Blog Posts
To Adora, From Elliott
To the little girl, I used to be do you remember all those nights when you would stay awake Thinking up all those far away dreams You would stare up at the ceiling planning out how you would do it all
All those years you spent taking care of everyone else Watching your siblings, making sure that they had the childhood you never had. Giving up on all those dreams you had made for yourself Handing them over to your siblings, thinking that maybe they could let them grow. Planning on becoming their superhero, Ready to save their day, Shielding them from all the screaming, The sharp words being thrown like knives. Giving them a haven from the flying fists and broken doors.
But darling I promise you Your life will not have been wasted. I will following your footsteps saving the kids from those monsters that lurk around them. I will keep themself, and make sure they grow
Remember all those nights you would make promises Between you and the world outside that shitty apartment window Telling yourself it would get better, rehearsing it so much it was branded in your heart and brain Telling yourself those thoughts would go away That you could wake up And be the perfect daughter You would wake up and be a girl and believe it Your body would no longer feel so wrong
Spending all those nights and early mornings Praying to that god you were so hopelessly clinging to Begging him to make it all make sense Those thoughts stuck circling in your head All the worries and fears that had kept piling up Tangling themselves together
you were right when you said you’d never see twenty-seven You weren’t even able to see yourself as a teenager The image always seemed so far off, Just out of reach a dream you always had each night but always leaving in the morning light Leaving you with just tiny pieces of it.
You had been off by a few years though There was never a sweet sixteen for you No birthday presents and a new car. You had been long gone before that.
You had barely seen fourteen, Eighth grade was your last. But I think you knew that. I think you had come to terms, Knowing that you would die soon. But that’s how you were always giving, giving, and giving. So I guess it wasn’t that big of a surprise.
What would you think of me now if you saw who you became Would you be proud? Proud that I finally found myself That I had finally realized who I was Would you be happy? Happy that I had made it this far, That I was able to finally make it to sixteen, even though you didn’t?
Because for me to make it, You had to die, I had to kill every part of you. I had to be the one to hold that pillow over your head, I still have the scars from those scratches you gave me. I carry them like war paint, showing the world how I was born.
I had to burn that name you carried for years, Burning it to ashes, spreading them to the world. The name you carried on your back like a shield or a burden Depending on how you looked at it.
I cut off those beautiful brown locks that you loved. Those curls littered the floor of the bathroom, while chopped them off with some old kitchen shears. That beautiful brown color was bleached and turned any color besides that natural tone.
Your skin that was then envy of your family I covered in scars and marks, making it match the way we both had felt. Making your family no longer love it, turning it into something they no longer wanted to see.
I took the breasts that you had always hoped for, And had chopped them off, leaving your chest barren and scarred making it easier for me to live, no longer have those things as a reminder as to who you used to be, while it had made you cry out in shame, for you had lost the things you had been hoping would make you feel as if you belonged in your skin.
but my dear adora, I hope you realize that nothing I had done to this body, that was once yours, was in malice or hatred. it was just something I had needed to do, for me to live happily. please remember I’ll love you forever, my little girl of grey. rest well knowing will live this for the both of us, taking those chances you never did.
always and forever, Elliott Mars Parker.
mama don’t you know
Mama, don’t you know your little baby is sitting in their room? Crying their eyes out screaming for help Screaming for you to help them Begging for you to love them for who they are
Mama, can’t you see the way they're pleading? How their pleading for you to love them For you to finally tell them they're good enough For you to please noticed this once how much they need you.
Mama, do you ignore the blank stares and the emptiness? The way they wear barcodes on their body How no matter how much they try, they can't get you to love them
Mama, do you ignore all the blood and tears? Pretending you don't hear them crying out at night Acting like you don't notice the blood and bandages.
Mama do you spend your days looking for new ways to hurt them? You filled their heart with all your spite and hatred. Poisoning your little baby before they had a chance to grow Making them believe they were a weed Never let them be able to believe in anything else.
THE LETTER (by joud abu rashed)
Words: A single distinct meaningful element of speech or writing, used with others (or sometimes alone) to form a sentence and typically shown with a space on either side when written or printed. Words are a way to express one’s self, they show emotion, they might hurt someone, end relationships, start wars, they can be used as a weapon, since words are an important factor of both freedom and democracy, but most importantly words impact people, either negatively or positively depending on the situation. the war has ended a year ago marking a new age of democracy, it started since poverty was spreading like an illness due to the evils of monarchy so naturally the people protested their rights using their words but they weren’t heard the government was deaf to their pleas so a war eventually broke out in order to gain justice. Chaos and confusion that’s was how I lived after all I was a child an orphan who lost both parents and any sense of peace or security I ever had. I was lost, starving, with no will to live in this cruel world. Along with the bloodshed, something happened or rather someone came and rescued me.
His name was Ashton Arlert, He was a kind man with a heart of gold. He took me in, provided me with every necessity. He taught me how to read and write, how to use a gun and protect myself just in case I find myself in a difficult position, but most importantly he gave me a will, a will to live. After years of suffering the war ended which lead me to decide to live a normal life, so I moved out to pursue my own career as a ghostwriter in a small company. You see after the war there was a huge decrease in people who knew how to write, which meant ghostwriters (especially for letters) became widely popular. My job required me to listen to people, to observe and analyze their emotions then find the right words that fit the message they want to present. I had my own life, friends, responsibilities, etc yet Ashton never left my mind, he was like a father to me and I never showed him how much I appreciated what he had done towards me so I decided to write a letter to him. I was a professional writer with tons of experience yet I struggled with it (ironic isn’t it). For days and days all I would do is stare at an empty piece of paper with a cramped hand longing for words. Needless to say I was frustrated. I wrote and I wrote as if I was running out of time but nothing, just nothing. Everything I wrote would soon become another crumpled piece of paper in the trash, till one day while the smell of my morning coffee was mixing with the smell of ink coming from my pen I suddenly found the words that I longed for. I ran to the post office with the feeling of relief in my lungs and a hint of excitement in my eyes. It was a quite night when he received the wax sealed letter, he looked at the handwriting a sense of nostalgia flooded him. He held it with his wrinkled hands as he read it with tears flooding his ocean blue eyes. The letter simply said “Thank you, Ashton, for everything. Sincerely Nadia” A simple phrase that’s all it took to bring a grown man to tears.
Okay so….
Um, on the 15th of October, last Friday, my dad passed away. He had gallbladder cancers nd it’s got so bad that the doctors weren’t sure what to do. So they put him in home hospice care. Less than a week later, he died at home. I watched him die. As such, I am currently in mourning. It gets easier every day but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. I am 18 years old (haven’t started college cause I took a semester off to take care of him), I have a 21 year old brother and a 17 year old brother. My mom is now a widow at 52 with three kids who are barely grown. I have to find some way to help her and fanfiction does not make money.
I am not sure when or if I will update my fan fictions. Please do give me time as I am in passing. And as an 18 year old, I am still not sure how to deal with ANY of this. I will try to update my stories when I can even if it doesn’t fit in the season it should. It might not be up to the quality it had before. But thank you for reading my stories and waiting.
I promise to update soon.
Lucien Flavius Stimboard!!
Books, Library, Skyrim, Money, Imperial, Poems, Writing, Literature, Study
(Gifs do not belong to me.)
Violet Evergarden
People's feelings are quite complex and sensitive. Not everyone chooses to say exactly how they feel, they sometimes say the opposite or even lie about it. It's very difficult for me to accurately understand them.
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I guess.. one needs a lot of courage to say 'I love you'. So much so that it would make them want to flee if they are not accepted.
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I must suffer the consequences of the sins I have committed for the rest of my life.
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Parting with someone who is important to you, Never being able to see them again, I never knew it was so sad and painfull.
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With the very hand that took lifes of so many you write letters that bring people together.
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I'm burning for the things I've done.
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You can't erase the past, although, just know everything you have done as a automemories doll won't disappear eather.
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Every letter has had one or other way of saying "I love you." Letters can communicate... What's in the heart and can't normally be said.
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There is no such thing as a letter unworthy of being delivered.
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Calling your name is all I need to make our bonds everlasting.
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Book review
My review on life:
I Think People overthink how life is supposed to Flow, we all seem to forget that Everybody is experiencing life for the first time like, there isnt instructions or Anything on what were supposed to do here think of life like minecraft your dropped into the world with no instructions but there is an outline or baseline of what were supposed to do, like in minecraft we could start etting Resources in order to help our in game character Survive, in life we go to school to get a proper Education so we could get a job and possibly in the Process discover ourself, and in both of these you are dropped into a world of Endless possibilities, in minecraft the goal is to get strong enough to kill the Ender dragon in life the goal that society has dictated is to have a good paying job, hopefully have a family someday and then hopefully live a long happy life with a peaceful death, but both of these have a world so full of possibilities and the universe and life in general is really unfair so those life plans People make, they shouldnt follow it so seriously life is unpredictable every single Day we live through our potential Death Day I'm sure that a lot of People world have wanted to accomplish their dreams before they leave this world but at the same time you shouldnt restrict yourself from the possibilities life has to offer, life is unpredictable so you should live as If everyday there's something new to look forward to, yes there re moments where life is boring but thats just it life isnt meant to be lived in the fast Lane life is a slow Process and we should enjoy it as time cant be turned back, one of the most Valuable things life has to offer is time so we should treasure it.
手紙 Letter
先日本を読んでいたら、無性に手紙が書きたくなりました。
文具店、代書屋を営む主人公と、その周りを彩る人々の、心温まるお話。
手紙の相手の秋生まれにちなんで、秋色の便箋をチョイス。久々に万年筆を握りました。最近は、メールやlineで何でも済ませてしまうためか、いざ書こうと思ってもなかなか筆が進みません。
そんな時、ついこの間、仕事上のお客様から頂いたメッセージのことを思い出しました。いつも通り、何も変わらぬ対応をさせていただいたつもりですが、その方はとても喜ばれ、名指しで感謝のメッセージを寄せてくれました。
『感謝の言葉』は伝える側も受け取る側も、どちらも嬉しくなる魔法の言葉。この手紙には、感謝の気持ちを綴ることに決めました。
伝わるように、ちゃんと書けたかな。ちょっぴり気恥ずかしい気がします。
思ったより書くのに時間がかかってしいました。
『お誕生日おめでとう』
一日遅れで綴った手紙。届くのは、二日遅れになるかもしれません。
相手を思って書き綴る時間も、ポストにそっと滑り込ませる瞬間も、そして届くのを待ちわびる時間も、手紙はどの瞬間をとっても楽しい。
ふと、そんなことを思った夕暮れ時でした。
2020/10/07
i will draw flowers on my skin, your touch made me bloom and i didn’t have that for a while. early morning runs are now my favorite moments, just like time that ran so fast, when u were next to me. maybe i need you back, maybe i need to get over us. but honestly it doesn’t matter what i need to do, because all i want is you, but i’m not what will make you happy, and i’m not gonna be selfish on this one. my first love, my first real love, i thought it is going to hurt, but it doesn’t. a lessons is learnt but do i want to keep on moving? do i want to be in this hole, and feel not whole ever again? my letter that you will never receive. my true feeling that you will never acknowledge. i could give you time, all of the time on earth to think, i could wait my whole life, for you to come and kiss me on my death bed telling me that you decided to stay and love me like you should. just for a minute. just for a moment. i desire to be yours so badly, i gave up on meaning at all, i want to scream, but only whisper leaves my mouth, and it says “i still and will always fucking love you”. week, one fucking week to decide my whole destiny, please choose me, please be happy with me, please love me like i do. maybe it is too much to ask, maybe i am so stupid and clueless, but hope you will never leave me, just keep me closer to your body, and let me feel the heat. just one more time, just one more call, and one more hang out. fall in love with me. just once again. i need you. i crave for you. this is pathetic, maybe. but my need of you is just immaculate and i can’t hold it back.
Time capsule Oct 13,17
Flashback to Sept 24, 2017
It's my birthday and I'm alone.
My existence was put into question once more, and the odds where stacked against me.
Despite me having a good day and my smiling face I couldn't deny that my soul splitting in two.
They said the world was to end on my birthday but it didn't, but my world did.
I wasn't supposed to be here
I'm suppose to be in space but somehow chose again...
❉───────•~❉•᯽•❉~•───────❉
10th March 1977
Dear Remus,
I’m reduced to a thing that only wants you. I've never told you, but it doesn’t make it any less real. I’m in love with you. I’ve been for three years. I hate myself for it, but i’m so in love. Stupid, unbearable love.
I tried to make it go away,
I tried to run from it,
I tried to fight it,
but you always found your
way back to me again.
Please forgive me. I never wanted to lose you. I’ve always held our friendship dear, but i couldn’t fight my feelings any longer. That’s why i’m composing this letter to you, in these sleepless hours of the night. My heart feels heavy, i’m so scared. The gravity of my love for you drowns me in a precipice of ecstasy, dreaming of you. I miss you, in a simple desperate human way.
I hope you won’t hate me. I couldn’t bear it. I’m scared to look you in the eyes again. Maybe you could not tell my feelings, but it's only because i was worried and frightened.
All my love forever,
Sirius.
That's why I love the night, because it’s in the darkness and immensity, that you chase me, my sight you follow, and for rescue me you thank.
My Dearest Love,
I count the days until we can be together again. I can find you in my arms, embrared by your warmth.
I shudder to think of the dangers you will face to be with me. It is my trust in our love that will see you safety back to me.
I will find no peace until you are with me again.
Your Love, Always
Another love letter, I'll likely never send.
I think of people all day long. There are peoples whose names are written in the valves of my heart and with every beat and measure their meanings send my lifeblood through my veins. However, recently my thoughts are falling on you. I feel like I've wrote this letter-of-sorts to you a thousand times, and sent it to you none. For most people I can enumerate exhaustively every grievance or alternatively adequately admit any appreciation. But for you it has been consistently hard to find and define. For sometime I have been mixing up every word and position, it's definition and connotation trying to form something coherent. But I fear somewhere from heart to head, from head to hand, or hand to paper, it is getting lost in translation. Unfortunately I am acutely aware of my own mistakes, and I can say that I have committed many transgressions both purposeful and otherwise, big and small. And the greatest of these, at some point in my life I intentionally removed myself. For far too long I have remained silent and absent. Exclusive and Elusive. Now I am trying to write myself back into the narratives of many people. You are one of them. My thoughts and moments for you are variable and different, some are as the rosy fingered sky brings dawn to day, or as a quiet snow blankets a patient night. As the warmth of my heated seat reminds me of a shivering passenger. Or even now, as I'm writing this, your smile the sound of your laughter. I cannot say for certain if the formality of my words widens the gap, or closes the distance. But I know at least I've tried to convey some semblance of the reality that is, in a single trite expression "In my heart." I know that eventually, at sometime a bell will toll for my name, and my sins tallied. I can only pray that the ground remembers my name, and forgives me and just allows me to rest in the sun and grass, under my own vine. Then my body burned and ashes spread. But in a life, I can know this one victory. That I did not regret to shower the people I love with love. You are one of them. I would willingly give to you my days, hours and minutes. However I fear, that you, like most cancers put on shell, or an armor to protect something. And that's okay there is no fault or shame in that. You are allowed to be as guarded, defended or distance as you are comfortable with. You have opened yourself up to me before, and in that touching moment you impressed on to me an image. Something worth protecting. You are not fragile. You are sturdy. You've known pain, and adversity. What vision I received is one I will covet, cherish and hold sacred. You do not ever have to make yourself vulnerable to me, but I would like to make myself to you. If you give me the chance to, I'll give you those things my days, hours and minutes. If given your permission, I would be in your narrative. I see you, I hear you, if you would allow me, I'd hope to help you feel those ways. I am not here to defraud, defame, or even deshell you. My only motivation is to care, love and to get know you better. I only hope you don't misread my intention.
Like a candle
set aside in wait;
Etiolated,
no more than ornamental.
Its life comes to a stand still.
No purpose,
yet—
hopeful.
The true flames
erase time.
They engulf the deepest of feelings
one can conceive.
Defying common laws,
negativity
turns into bright flames.
Scorching hot...
...happiness?
Blinded by reason
follow the heat
slowly abating in corners of your body.
There,
lies truth.
There,
lie your answers.
Happiness is not far away.
“Dear friend, — Your sweetness intimidates” Emily Dickinson, from a letter to Sarah Tuckerman (January 1880)
An open letter to future me:
Alright. Here we go. I'm a bit nervous to write this, because if I know myself right now, you are just waiting to read this and cringe at it. I'm sorry. I hope you aren't mad at me.
First of all, self, I know right now I have absolutely no hope and no self esteem for any bright future, but I have a feeling, a singular feeling, that you're going to go far. Maybe not me, but you. I hope you remember me, though. It's okay if you leave me behind. Change is necessary, but don't forget what was once here. Never let me fade away from your mind. Let me strengthen you. And let me remind you to heal and comfort the shattered child inside of you. She needs you. Her fight with her demons is slowly failing. She needs you to protect you. I need you to protect me. I need you to protect yourself. Draw your sword, your bow, and call upon your heart and please - come save us.
Save yourself. But save everyone else too. Save everyone you can. You might not be able to save everyone, and that's okay, but you tried. You tried. You tried so hard. I know. And it's okay. Breathe. It's okay. You tried.
Saving other people has been such a big fear and big strength of yours. I think you knew that you'd never be able to save yourself, so you tried to save everyone else, and when you couldn't, you blamed yourself. You must try to save yourself before you can try to save anyone. Trust me. You are still worth saving. You still can be saved. I promise.
This war within yourself, it has yet to be completed. There has to be a white flag somewhere, right? There has to be peace somewhere. Every war has an ending. Don't give up. The war will be over soon. I give my heart and hope to you. I give you my swords, but I hope you find a way to put your demons to rest without violence. Your demons will transform into something more beautiful. You only have to learn how to heal them too, as you are healing yourself. Your scars may stay the way they came, but they are not a reminder of your present or future. They will heal emotionally, not physically. They are your reminder that you are a warrior; a fighter. You can get through this. You got through that, this is no different. You are not your scars. You are not your past. You can do anything you dream of. Pull yourself together, kiddo. Paint a smile, a true one. You got this.
Your friends? They are your everything. But - you are my everything too. The love you show everyone else? I equally feel that for you and more. I love you. So, so much. I am so proud of you. You deserve every great thing in this world. You may be a mess, but your my mess, and I promise you, this mess is a painting. Some just need to look closer. Don't you dare care what anyone else thinks about you. You are a pretty awesome person. A pretty darn great one. You are trying to be a better person everyday, and that is what counts. You try to be better - you try to change for the better everyday. I love you for that. You may not be perfect, and that is okay. I'm not going to tell you to stop reaching for perfection, but don't be hard on yourself. You are getting better everyday. I am so proud of you. I'm proud. I'm proud. I'm proud. Screw the others who never told you that. Screw the others who never loved you. Screw them. I love you. And I frickin care about you. So much. I miss you, too. In every way.
You are worth it. You are loved. You are so much more than you think you are. You are so strong. And to those who said you could never, prove them wrong. Prove them all wrong. I promise you, you will do everything you want. You have time to become the person you want to be. You have time. Change is scary, believe me, we used to fear it, but change is so good and so necessary. Embrace it. Embrace this world everytime you get. Embrace my words. When no one else loves you, I'll be here. I'll always love you, because I know deep down, even if you hate me, I know you still love me. That's why we're alive. We're giving each other chances. That's what is important. This life is worth living. This game is worth playing. Remember me. Remember this letter. Remember my words. They will stick.
Your friends are so important to you, but I want you to know that everything you have said to them, I say back to you. Look in the mirror and smile, my friend. Please. Do it for me. Because whoever looks back at you is enough. Look down at your hands. You are enough. Through every broken crack, you are enough. Let the light overtake you. Let the happiness seep in a illuminate your whole. I give you what is mine, take my heart, my soul, carefully heal yourself with your needle. Stitch yourself back together. Unfold your wings. It's time to soar. And it's time to let go.
Take care of our friends for me, okay? Tell them I love them. And I miss them. Tell them those words everyday. Spend time with them. Forgive people who wrong you and defend what you believe is right. Regret nothing. Absolutely nothing. Live your life the way you want to, not the way they pressure you to.
I hope you've gotten out of your bad situation. I hope you don't turn back. I hope you've gotten into that one relationship you were dying for. I hope you love that person with your whole heart. I hope they are your soulmate. I hope that they give you the love that you deserve. I hope you heal everyone you come in contact with. I hope you give them everything you hav, but leave love for yourself. I hope you talk about your problems and start a much needed conversation. I hope you meet those artist and poet people that you've been dying to have conversations with. I hope you have deep conversations at midnight. I hope your friends come and visit you. I hope you can have those really cool sleepovers at your own house. I hope you get your dream house. I hope you become everything you want to be.
I hope you make so many memories that you are overfilled with joy.
I hope you give yourself everything you deserve.
To all of the heartbreaks and to all of the scars we still have. To past me, present me, and future me, and to the friends who have shaped us,
Future self, you are doing great. I love you.
- Past me
Hello Lovlies,🤍✉️ ꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱
It’s been a while. Sorry for the long wait. I was going through a little bit of something these past few days. Don’t worry. I’m better now, and slowly improving. I’d like to thank everyone for their beautiful posts getting me through this time. I have a good amount of things to do, and tumblr has given me some time to get inspired and focus on my well-being. Thank you for patiently waiting. To everyone new and old, I hope we can all enjoy this new era🤍.
A Letter To My Younger Self 💌
Dear young Lolly,
First I want to say sorry, for everything I did against you. I should not have disregarded your needs. I should not have made you feel foolish for feeling emotions. I should not have shamed you for human desires. I should not have expected you to be anything but the great girl you were.
I am sorry for seeing you as a broken doll waiting to be fixed. I am sorry for seeing you, every part of you, as a burden. I am sorry for not being there when you needed me most. I am sorry for blaming you when it was never your fault. I am sorry for making you a scapegoat for other’s problems. I am sorry for speaking to you with full dismissal. I should not have disregarded the power of words, such sayings that have harmed us for so long. I should not have seen you as powerless, when there is so much power in yourself. Deep in my heart, I love you Lolly. I am learning to show up and care for you. I am working to wholly accept you for who you are and were. I will no longer let anyone’s perceptions scar our view of ourselves. I love you Lolly, all your present, future, and past. I'm going to do my best to love and show up for you. I am working to love and embrace us. I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you. Thank you for everything you've done that got me to where I am today. I hope you can forgive me, for all my wrongdoings against you. From now on, I will work for the best of us, and love you until our final breath, and into the afterlife.
I am here and will love you forever, Lolly🤍