Regrets - Blog Posts

Regrets

Fandoms: Star Trek: Voyager and Star Trek: Prodigy

Rating: General Audiences

No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Janeway/Chakotay, Janeway & Zero

Summary: “Admiral Janeway and the crew of the USS Voyager-B finally rescue the lost crew of the Protostar, but Chakotay is close to death, to the devastation of Janeway. She and Zero have a heart-to-heart conversation.”

Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude

Having never played Skyrim, I remember running around World of Warcraft in 2012, wondering why one of the most prominent guilds on my server was called Fus Ro Dah.

Context: my roommates were huge Skyrim nerds and played it almost daily in the common area.

Absolute truth

Opportunities missed. Live your life with passion. Live your life with purpose.

Physics dictates the posssibility

Of multiple infinite universes;

Every decision you make is a forked path

Split into two-

The one which happened

And another one

Which happened too,

Just not to you,

Not in this universe.

Which means there is a universe out there

In which you do not hold me responsible

For all the terrible that befell you.

Another one in which

It didn't happen at all,

Another in which you remain unborn

So you do not have to try

(to make that happen)

But in this one,

The only one we get to live in,

We are here,

We are what we are

(Not what happened to us)

You can not undo a life that already happened.

But look around,

There is so much life left to live yet.

There was a time I stood before fire and used its power to create beauty. I  threw away those days out of greed and fear, and I have regretted it ever since. Don't give up building the life you want. Even if you don't have the money, power, or means, if you push away your love, you may never get it back. Don't put that life on hold to sell your soul for something you never needed.

Why I Can’t Bring Myself to Tell My Friends I Love Them

I used to tell my friends that I loved them all the time. If I saw them doing something I thought was cute, or if they made an awesome joke, or if they tried their hardest on something, or when I would get the occasional rush of gratitude for them, I would tell them. Love was meant to be expressed when they were still there to receive it, and love was meant for everyone. I wanted everyone to know that love was meant to be given liberally.

Back when my ex best friend cared about me, she was so supportive. She would tell me that there was good in the world and there were things to be living for, and she would always be so happy and in love with life. She was a small person, with a round face and the warmest hugs, and she would tell me that I was worth it. That I was worth loving, that I was amazing, that I made her life better. My second new best friend does that too. She does all of that. They’re different people, but in terms of what they provide me they’re nearly the same, and in terms of appearance, they look similar. And that scares me because there’s a reason my ex best friend is no longer my friend, and to see the same feelings start for someone similar is terrifying.

When I finally acknowledged my first best friend after moving on from the last one, I noticed she was giving me everything my ex best friend couldn’t, but I was resigned to the idea that she wasn’t as verbally or physically affectionate. I still love that best friend, but those are my love languages, and I don’t usually get them from other people. And then my second best friend came into my life and gave me exactly what I wanted and needed that was missing from my first best friend. But now there’s a problem. Because my first best friend isn’t very verbally affectionate, she probably wouldn’t like it if I told her I love her, and even if she did, I would be opening up to her too much and that might push her away. My second best friend would absolutely love it if I told her I loved her, but I’m too worried that I’ll put all my energy into that friendship only to slowly realise that I’m not getting anything back.

I want to love them. I do love them. And I always thought it was a cliché motivation when a character was like “I’ve been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again”, but that is exactly how I feel and I couldn’t even trust my second best friend when she told me that she would always care about me because that’s what I told my ex best friend and now I hate her with a burning passion. I hate songs like “Night Changes” or “The One That Got Away” because they remind me that something you think will be infinite could end within a moment, and I hate reading fanfics where characters end up far away from each other with no possible way of regaining the relationship they had before and/or in canon because that’s the truth of life. People will come and go and you can’t do anything about it. Love is never going to be enough if it’s only going one way. Life isn’t a show where everything comes full circle; there are going to be loose ends and regrets and there will be no consolation or closure and everyone leaves eventually no matter how much you or they care. I love my best friends now but if I admit it to them then it solidifies the idea that there’s something to lose, and I can’t stand that. I don’t want to be hurt again. Despite how genuine my best friends may be right now, there will be a day where they don’t care. I don’t want to reach that day. I don’t want it to continue to that point. I don’t want to tell them I love them.

8 Years in the Desert

-kalika

Struggling with delayed processing is so bizarre bc it’s not always big things but sometimes silly little things too. A few weeks ago I was at a cute bookstore in a different city I was visiting, they had these cute tiny notebooks and pens and I picked some up and actually thought ‘wow this is the perfect thing, this is exactly the type of tiny notebook that would be so cool to carry around with me’ and then I set it down ant left! Actually buying it didn’t even cross my mind. Only a few DAYS LATER I realized oh I wanted that and I could have bought it 🤦‍♀️

when is nikki's dreamweaver coming back? those spirits are super cool

M’lady

Rule #51

I did something today that I had been wanting to do for years now.

I made an apology.

I had been wanting to make this apology for so long now.  I kept hoping that I would someday run into her at a super market or a bar or something and I could make my apology to her.

Back in the early ‘90s, we were in a relationship.  Not a long time, maybe 6 months at most.  And the entire time, I just treated her horribly.  Not physically, but mentally & emotionally, I was just the absolute shits to her.

And I know why I did.  I had been really mistreated in the past two relationships before this one, and I took it out on her.  I took all my anger, my frustration, my sorrow out of me and I fed it to her.  It’s not an excuse, because there is no excuse really.  It’s just the sad fact.

I didn’t realize what I was doing then.  It was quite a while after it was over that I saw what I had done.  And I felt ashamed for having done it.  And I felt sorry for her for having to experience it.  And I hated myself for doing it.  For treating her the way I had been treated.  Why would I do that? (Looking back now, I realize that this is probably where the true self-loathing that would come to define most of the past 20+ years of my life probably began. The first step on a long road.)

Ever since I became aware of what I had done, I had been wanting to see her again so I could apologize.  Not for my own sake.  But because she genuinely deserved it.

Today it hit me that it would probably be really easy for me to find her on Facebook.  We probably had mutual friends that would make it easy to identify her in a search.  And I was right.  I did a search for her and, due to mutual friends, it took me all of 10 seconds to find her.

I clicked the message button and wrote my apology.  It wasn’t long before i got a reply thanking me for the apology and wishing me well.  I don’t know if she really means it; you can’t tell on the internet.  But if she’s still the person I knew then, then she probably does.