Old Friends - Blog Posts

This guy was a fun concept and i love him deeply his name is Bakonis Kerrigan he is…or was a close friend to Stanley when they were teenagers back when Stan was kicked out of the house they did heists together, conned many people, etc but one day after an accident that left Bakonis in the hospital hoping to have his best friend there for support Stan just vanished(that was when Stan got the letter from Stanford.) and left Bakon behind.

Here is teenage Bakonis before his accident he was your local drug dealer and at the time Stanley was his best customer it’s honestly how they met, now your probably wondering whats in the box well if you don’t pay up for the drugs or fulfill your end of the bargain you repay with your limbs mostly small things like your fingers, eyes, and teeth. Bakonis doesn’t play around when it comes to his jobs either pay him or lose a limb it’s your choice.

Anyways my asks are open feel free to ask this lovely gentleman many questions. :)

I know someone, who is a friend and we use to be close friends, when we talk together I get super anxious about almost every topic we talk about...

I try to avoid almost every topic... Like we can only talk about video games and very basic stuff otherwise I get anxious

Journal

And its all in my head, (our past, our future)

I can’t get you out of my head

Mind reader, you can see inside my head

Seeing you it all comes to a head

The thought comes into my head

I’ll love you until I’m dead

There’s a part of me that’ll always love you.

The part of me that’s still 13, the part of me that was the beginning of who I am now, not the child but the person. You watched the change, you changed yourself, and we survived that terrible process together, the death of the old us, the horrors of becoming, the fear and loneliness and hope and desire.

And that’s the foundation of who I am today, and you’re there too, imbedded in the cornerstone, along with all the joys and disasters, and I can’t not love you. I love you like I love summertime, or old musicals, or a favorite book. But it’s more than that. I don’t love you like a friend, or a brother, or a lover. Maybe I love you like I love myself. You’re a fragment. You’re a coin I flip, tails for a grudge and disappointment and bitterness, heads for overwhelming tenderness.

And our bodies never meet, you’re so careful to stay a few feet away, but the meeting of our minds is tangible enough for the brush of your fingers to seem irrelevant. And it’s so tragic and so romantic and then tragic again, isn’t it? You’re divorced and too young for that, I’m a virgin and too old for that, and we won’t say those words but we know it in the sidelong glances, in the shapes we draw around in our conversations.

In the scandalously intimate front seats of the car, in the dark and deserted corners on our evening walking, in the quiet of the galleries where we pick apart the art like it will tell us something about ourselves, I can’t bear to look at you for fear of what I’d do. And we’re two ships in the night, a long day together and then a long year apart, and maybe a year becomes forever, because despite our best efforts and egos we aren’t psychic, or perfect, but I think, I hope, we both want otherwise.

And I think about other things too, about your fingertips through my hair, about how we’d laugh, and it would be so strange, wouldn’t it? But if you were the last man on earth, I think we’d be grateful for the apocalypse to leave us to our own devices. And you’re nothing without an audience but I would laugh enough for a whole auditorium, just you and me and the end of the world. But these are foolish things, flights of fancy that die in the sunlight, in the statistics. So I stop thinking about them, about you. And I can go without thinking about you forever, but you’re always there anyway, in the map of my subconscious, in chess and in that christmas card, in showtunes and in shame and in shivers, in dialects and old sci-fi and always, always, in dreams. I hope I’m more than just an old face to you.

A boy named Skylar

You ever think about someone you'll probably never meet again?

A few days ago I couldn't stop thinking about an old friend I met back in 2010. He was a boy named Skylar, we met on Gaia Online and he used a female avatar and presented as a boy. At this time I knew nothing about being transgender and transitioning, so to me he was a girl who was crossdressing and insisting he was a boy... Everything in my life up to that point had lead me to believe that was how things worked, so even though I had a female avatar and I presented feminine, I insisted that I was a boy too, since I didn't know better.

I remember his favorite dinosaur was a pterodactyl, and I remember showing him Quetzalcoatlus and Hatzegopteryx, the largest pterosaurs. I remember that he was a big fan of Tegan and Sara, and the song 'Back In Your Head' to this day still makes me think of him. I remember him showing me a drawing of one of them and me asking if that was him, and him saying "I wish!"

I remember feeling embarrassed when the topic of what I don't like about my body came up. I admitted to him that I had body hair and I felt so ashamed and embarrassed and uncomfortable with that fact, and he just laughed, not because of my agony but because it was such an innocent thing to be embarrassed by. Of course I had body hair, I was going through male puberty.

I remember we talked a lot over AOL and MSN, he explained being trans to me and that I could change my body through Hormone Replacement Therapy and suddenly everything just clicked. My bleak outlook on life changed to having a glimmer of hope, and from then on I was a girl, even if I didn't tell anyone and guarded it as my deepest darkest secret.

I remember him calling me cute whenever I'd roleplay giving him kisses and I remember developing a crush on him, and him rejecting me because I wasn't his type since he was gay and only attracted to men. I remember feeling sad and confused while also feeling validated because when I offered to be a boy for him, he told me no because he knew me better than to ever expect that.

I remember him helping me to pick a name, I ended up deciding on Sophie, and he suggested it be Sophia and I just go by Sophie. I was Sophie for years and years up until I finally actually went through with making the appointment to start HRT. Between then and when I finally decided I wanted to be Monica, I was Sophie online and my deadname in person.

I've lost all contact with him... I don't even remember what his username was or where I could look to find him. I'll probably never speak to him again, but he changed my life and I'm super grateful that I met him. I think about him a lot every once in a while and I really miss him. I can't help wondering how he's doing, I wish so badly I could see him again and show him how far I've come.

I'll probably never see him again, but I'll never forget him.

They’re all so cute

Game: old friends

letter of gratitude

I normally don't post this kind of thing here, but this is a letter I had to write about someone who changed my life for the better. and while I know that there is no way for me to actually send this letter to her, I needed to get this off my chest.

I know that we haven’t talked in a while, and I know that you probably want nothing to do with me. I really regret how the last time we saw each other went, but I wanted to let you know that you were my best friend and the reason why I wanted to go to school every day. I enjoyed our walks around the playground, how we would talk about our worry’s and gushing about our crushes, all the while hiding how I had the biggest crush on you. 

I remember that day in third grade so clearly, I had just returned to school after breaking my leg for the second time, and for some reason the school staff put me on the biggest hill and told me to stay there, I really don’t understand what went through their heads. But as I’m trying to wobble my way up the hill, I look up and see my childhood bully crying in the spot where I normally watch all the kids in our class play. Even though I was scared of you, I couldn’t let someone cry and not want to help them feel better- looking back it was very obvious that I was an empathetic child, I mean I used to cry if someone I cared for cried in front of me- so I walked up on my crutches and I asked you what was wrong, and in all the anger a crying third grader could muster; you told me to fuck off. 

For some reason I didn’t back down, I don’t understand why I didn’t leave you there. But I couldn’t, I told you I wouldn’t leave and that talking to others makes me feel better when I’m sad, and that ill stay to listen even though your mean to me. I said “ I’m doing what I would want someone to do for me” after all that’s what my mom and girl scout leader told us all the time. Well actually they told us to “treat others the way we would want to be treated” but its basically the same thing. Anyway, we talked and somehow it sparked an unlikely friendship. After that day you would come and sit by me on that hill since I couldn’t do anything else, and then when I got my cast off, we would play, and you introduced me to your friends. I was so happy; I don’t think you ever knew how lonely I was before that. I didn’t have many friends as I was the shy quiet kid. I know that the teachers had talked to my parents before, and that they were worried that this added to me struggling in class. I also know that they were worried about you, I remember them always partnering us up for group work, and while child me didn’t know what all the side glances at us were, I know now.

And then in fourth grade when I re-broke that same leg, you sat by me during reses, and even when I worried that you would grow tired of me, you told me that you would rather sit with me then play with the kids that didn’t like you. I would bring you books that I thought you would like, and in class you would sit with me during the group reading activity and whisper to me the words that I couldn’t say correctly. I remember the teacher pulling us aside one day and saying that you were such a great friend for helping me when I got stuck, and I was so grateful that you didn’t make me feel stupid. You never teased me for being slow after learning about my ADHD, you actually got all the kids that bullied me for it to back off. I remember how we would get so excited when I had a doctor’s appointment because I was supposed to get my cast off, and the doctor told me that I wouldn’t need to used crutches anymore, so my mother sent me to school without them. However, by the second-class period I was in so much pain that I was sobbing, and you helped me limp my way to the nurse’s office to call my mom. You held my hand while I tried to explain to the women at the front desk why I needed to call my mom and when I couldn’t get the words out you, in your angry but worried fashion told her to “hurry up and call my mom because I was in a lot of pain.”

Fast forward to the fifth grade and we found out that were in the same class yet again, however this time the teacher wouldn’t let us sit next to each other. We ended up on completely opposite sides of the room. This didn’t stop us though, and we would make silly faces at each other only to get told off by the teacher. By the time that lunch came around we were glued to the hip, needing to catch up on all the time we didn’t get to talk. And then, about half-way through the fourth month, a girl names Reily moved to our school. There was something about her that just screamed ‘I need a friend’, and it felt like it was my duty to do everything I could do to befriend this girl. I was known as the girl in our class to be friends with everyone in our grade, all of that would have never happened if we didn’t become friends. You drew me out of my shell, and I mellowed you out a bit. You were the ying to my yang,

Unfortunately, every friendship has their arguments. Looking back on it, it was so stupid. I don’t even remember what we were fighting about. We didn’t talk for a full three weeks, I remember all of our friends would talk to us separately, trying to get us to talk to one another. But we were both so stubborn. It got to the point that the school counselors got involved and so did our parents. It’s a bit of a blur for me, but I do remember that we made up and were back to being best friends. 

You were there for me, and I was there for you, that’s what made up our friendship. We held each other together like glue. While we didn’t have phones in fifth grade, when I did get one before sixth grade, I immediately needed my mom to call your mom. In middle school we didn’t have many classes together, but we did have the same lunches. You were there to help me figure out why I suddenly stopped eating as much and why there were these girls in the grade above us telling me to kill myself and that I need to lose weight to fit in. I was already a small kid, but to them I wasn’t good enough. I just wanted to be their friend and at one point thought that they genuinely liked me. I held you while you cried and stayed on the phone with you when your mom would pass out after drinking, and then we would have sleepovers to take your mind off of it.

You would sit with me at lunch when I felt like even having ice would make me gain a crap ton of weight, and when I got so sick with worry you would hold my hair for me in the bathroom.

Over the summer we didn’t see each other at all, to this day I still don’t know. However, when the first day of seventh grade happened, we spent all of first block catching up, it felt like we were never apart. I still don’t know why, but something felt different about that year though. There was a looming feeling that I just couldn’t shake hanging over me, and I think you felt it too. We were more distant; we didn’t talk as much. Our friend group had little circles in it, and while the big group met up for lunch, the rest of the day was separated. I made other friends and so did you, but in the end, on the last day of seventh grade. I couldn’t stop crying, no matter what you tried, nothing would cheer me up. The entire friend group was so confused, I was having panic attack after panic attack. Every time I would stop crying for a bit, something would happen, and id start all over again. I know that I was the crybaby or goodie two-shoes in the group, but this was excessive- even for me-. I didn’t know how to tell you that I was moving, and I was such a wimp, that anytime that I would try to get it out, my lungs would feel like they were out of breath and my throat would feel tight. And I just couldn’t say it. So, I didn’t…

There isn’t a day where I don’t regret not telling you or any of our friends, it was the shittest thing I ever did. I guess the moral of the story of recounting our friendship- while leaving out the parts I really don’t want my professor to know- is that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you, and that I really appreciate the friendship that we had. I hope that someday, if I ever get the courage to send this to you, you read it and feel the same warm, fuzzy feeling that I get. I will admit, I cried multiple times while writing this, and my throat feels the same way you do after having a good cry, but I think that I really needed to get this off my chest. 

I love you, 

Daphie

Old Friends

Was going through some old OC art on some of my deviantarts (i had a few, and dont use them anymore) and I found a DM from an old friend, saying they missed me..it was from 2017, a time I had stopped using the site. I really wish I kept in contact with this person. Their username was Shewolf66, went by wolfy. Wolfy if you ever come across this post, you knew me as whim/whimsy or artisticwhim on DA, and i really miss you friend.

we’re talking again. although i no longer have feelings for you, i don’t know what i should do. the friendship we once had is still one i remember well—our good conversations, the way you made me laugh, i didn’t forget it all. i don’t try to remember it but it was good while it lasted, and i’m okay with the way we are now. talking to you again just leaves me torned between keeping you for the sake of our friendship and cutting you off for the relationship i used to hope we would someday have and now no longer want.

— is it finally time to let you go? i know i’ll see you again someday, but it won’t be on our own accord. that’s not the kind of relationship we have. not talking to you or the opposite doesn’t really matter much. i don’t want anything more for us but it doesn’t change the nature of our relationship… we’re still friends after all.

i find it so ironic that after a year, you contacted me first. it was something so insignificant, just a video from our past. and yet here i was antagonising having to be the first one to reach out between us. and no, we’re not fighting, we never were—but in my head, when i decided to ghost you last year, i knew i was better off than to keep hoping for something i wasn’t even sure i want. i did it for me and i never regretted it even though sometimes i’d wonder if you wish you did more than this, try more than me.

— anyways it doesn’t matter now that a year has gone by. without you, i let myself grow into someone better. i’ve found many people who are better, and i’m more sure now than ever that i deserve someone better. thank you for reaching out to me first, even if it was over something so insignificant, i guess it won’t hurt to send you a message in reply after all.

marina grace