- Illustratum Paradoxon

The world right now is an empath's nightmare.

Sooo Yesterday I had a very public anxiety attack and yelled at a parking lot full of people....at Walmart out of all places! Sigh...Thank God for his Mercy & Grace because I was INSTANTLY mortified. But at least I can now laugh back at it because honestly that shit was straight out of a tv show. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I never thought I’d ever lose my shit in public. Anywayssss in other news. Today I PERMANENTLY deleted my Instagram. Something that was so weirdly hard for me to do was actually very liberating. I hate anything zuckerberg touches. I used to love IG until Facebook bought it. Scrolling literally pisses me off. So I guess I’m living pretty damn balanced lol. Public BFs one day and purging of social media the next. I’ll be ok...

-Illustratum Paradoxon

They are literally talking about me. 😂 Also I AM a special snowflake. We ALL are! So I don’t feel bad for wanting to be treated like one! 💕 😛

-Illustratum Paradoxon

Little Enneagram 4 things

• car rides through the mountains with music. Don’t talk to me. I’m going to listen to music the entire time. Probably imagining and daydreaming.

• movie soundtracks

• Pinterest. Boards for stories you’re writing. Aesthetic boards for favorite book series. Boards for adaptations of your favorite books. Aesthetic boards in general. Boards for certain moods. Boards for certain memories. Boards for nostalgia. Boards that feed your interal daydreamings. Boards for quotes. And all of them are secret.

• I can’t do X until the atmosphere is right. Aka: I can’t do work on my computer until my room is picture-perfect. I can’t read until I have some hot drink and a blanket with me. Maybe a candle, too.

• “Does hot chocolate go with the book I’m reading? No, tea would be better.”

• rescuers. It’s not that I’m incapable, it’s just that I long for companionship carrying all this emotion and deep thinking. If you have a strong, confident, caring, CALMING personality I’m going to stick to you like glue because I NEED that in my life.

• keeping track of favorite quotes from books, movies, etc.

• did I mention daydreaming

• being extremely interested in Enneagram and other personality stuff partially because it’s talks about what makes you unique

• having so many thoughts that you have to write them down somehow to not lose them, and also having anxiety that you’re going to lose them because they’re important

• nostalgia

• being ashamed that your personality type is characterized by a need to feel like a special snowflake but also recognizing that it’s exactly true and hating yourself a little for it

• things have aesthetics. Vacations have aesthetics. Months have aesthetics. Music has aesthetics. Movies have them. Books have them. Friends have them. You don’t need to make a mood board or anything for them. They just have them. They exist in your brain attached to an aesthetic.

• I need. Time to be alone. Please give it to me, I promise it will be better for both of us

• if I trust you with my problems, prepare yourself for an emotional, deeply thought out deluge of personal history from the depths of my being

Brad Pitt: ESTP + ennea 4 + sp/sx

I like people who have a sense of individuality. I love expression and anything awkward and imperfect, because that's natural and that's real.

— Marc Jacobs

I am not everything I want to be, but I am more than I was, and I’m still learning

2•4•19

I sit here with my past besides me as if it’s another living being that I must feed and nurture, but the more I feed my past the darker my future becomes. The past swallows me whole into a sea of darkness and once again I’m lost. I’ve lost hope rising from the ashes. Rising from the dead. I wish my past had someone else to cater to them. I wish I could sit alone in silence without the whispers of failures in my ear constantly reminding me of the monster that I once was.

Illustratum Paradoxon

*This is what healing looks like, it’s raw and it hurts like hell*

-Illustratum Paradoxon