A Love Like That, All Mine🫀

Angela Carter, from The Bloody Chamber and Other Stories; "The Courtship of Mr Lyon,"

last day of august.

“Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.”

— Unknown

“Sometimes not telling people anything is a good thing.”

— Jason Myers

I kept spiraling with a lot of emotions the entire day, my anxiety and fears never stopped giving me a hard time. I thought of all things that could go wrong, all the ways that I'm incapable of love and maybe keeping it alive, all the ways I really truly desire people to be close to me yet I fear them being replaceable or me being replaced. Everything felt like a big puzzle, big chunk of questions kept coming to me, tarot readings made my days even worse, and despite it all. I just wanna sleep in my blanket and dream and feel safe and say this to myself that,

"Darling, if its the right person. The love will always stay. Love is always the answer. It will stay. Love will always stay. You'll know when you know."

and I'm not gonna share any of it with anyone

i want romance. i want intimacy. i want the 2 am love making. i want consistency, loyalty. i want the random looks of admiration. i want to know you're just for me. i want date nights. i want love so pure and true. i want it because i can return it.

heaviness.

this week i felt so heavily taxed it’s like i’m being robbed of something.

i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be around anyone but a few, i don’t want to be perceived, i don’t want to be thought of. i don’t want the smiles from certain people because i don’t deserve them, i have fooled them with only a few actions they’ve seen of me and the surface that looks clean and flawless. that’s the thing— if only they knew me deeply would they maybe back the hell away, not smile as much, refuse to look me in the eye with such cordiality.

i am not even being cruel to myself. i am honesty right now. this heaviness weighs on my back like a load i can’t pretend isn’t there anymore. i look in the mirror and the reflection is so tired, so fed up. if only i could open the minds of people around me just to erase the memory of me from them and disappear somewhere. if only everyone forgot me for a second, and i had no trace of prior existence— a fresh start where i can begin newly again, where perhaps even i’d be known to myself as someone with less baggage, less of all the bad things that have happened to me and continue to happen under the surface which makes it all the more insidious and sickening. i am tired of myself. of the people who made me who i am today. i hope to get lighter. so much so that i fly away as if filled with helium, never to come back down on this wretched planet with its wretched people who see the worst in me and the deceived who see the best in me.

Its so offensive to see other live the life you've prayed for. That feeling is so raw, like I see that there might be some god up there and he definitely has some favorites.

I mean, I do have this placement but let's see. Manifesting✨️💅

Moon darakarka (in female chart)

Future spouse ( green flag)

Caring

Emotional

Loyal

Emotional supportive

Nurturing

Deep eyes

Sensitive

Protective

Good cook

🧿

good things will happen 💫

things that are meant to be will fall into place 💫