Seni Seviyorum - Blog Posts

BLah

I thought that I was really in love with you.

But, lately I found out that it was a temporary feeling. I never loved you. You've always left me disappointed, confused and obsessed.

Why obsessed?

Because, I have never loved you. I don't know you. I love the idea that I created of you. It's hard to realise it, in fact, I took too long to understand this. I could have ended everything since the beginning and I wouldn't have been here worrying about stupid feelings. I'm obsessed with the idea that I created of you. The you that doesn't exist. A dangerous guy, with anger issues that hates everyone except me.

And I told him: Look, I've been playing with you from the beginning and I don't love you.

I didn't talk to him from that day. But I think of him even if I don't know him. Does this have an explanation? Is there a philosopher who has got theories that are going to help me discover what I'm feeling? I've studied for years philosphy and psychology but I never seem to understand myself. I am a big mess.

I've went to different psychoanalysts but they found no way of comforting and helping me.

I've read thousands of books, specifically romance books, but do you know how bored they have made me? They annoy me now. But I continue reading them. They're full of fantasies and utopic worlds but I so believe them, I don't know how to get out of that illusion.

How do I turn off my reasoning and consciousness? I want to disappear. I want to be free. I want to live with someone that I truly love.

How do I learn how to love? Is there someone that teaches this? Are there theories or books that talk about this?

I want to know how to actually ,love someone with all my heart and to get to know that person for everything they have and possess and follow them till they die because that's what my mission needs to be. I want to be there for someone till the day I die. Is there a way to find this? Is there a way to believing in love? I'm desperate to know.

But you know what puts me in a crisis? That is understanding love. From what I've understood about myself, I am a person that views love as a love with violence and aggression, sacrificies and problems, imperfections and perfections, optimistic point of views and cosy touches, physical connection, spiritual connection, sexual touches, sweet words and harmful words that push you to hate the person you "love" and finally hating yourself for loving them.

How can I think this way? Who do I think I am? A goddess?

What if I got to know this guy and actually fell in love with him, what would really happen?

I would be desperate and heartbroken and hate myself for falling for somebody that I don't deserve and that I shouldn't waste my time with and not waste my life for neither energy. I would hate myself for falling for someone who isn't who I idealised. This is unacceptable.

I wanna be free. I wanna love someone and suffer forever. You know what I want to suffer because that's what I live for. That's how I've learnt to survive. I have been raised with violence and anger issues and problems. I need someone that treats me how I think he should treat me.

I don't know how my idealised man is. I have no idea how he is. I literally don't know. Like can you imagine that I wrote this whole story and bullshit for something that I don't really know or believe or think or reason about, oh my god I am truly crazy. I talk noonsense. I am a bullshiter and I accept it. Thank you for today.

K.M.

Geçmiyor. Sen sadece öyle olduğuna inanıyorsun. O yara her geçen gün kanını akıtmaya devam ediyor...

"Çok güçlüsün, hepsi geçecek." diyorlar ama bunun üstesinden gelemiyorum. "Seni seviyorum ama ne yapacağımı bilmiyorum." Seni sevmek geçmiyor, bunu aşamıyorum.

Saç diplerimden tırnak uçlarıma kadar kırdığında sonradan ellerime ve saçlarıma dokunmanın sebebi iyileştirmek istemen mi ? 💙

Her şeyden bir istifa mektubu yazmak istiyorum,

başkalarına ve kendime karşı görevlerimi yerine getiremediğim için özür dilediğim bir mektup. Benim için buradaydı, gitti ve geri gelmedi denilsin diye.

Herkesin beni beklemesini istiyorum, ama geri dönmeyeceğim.

painting by - Aron Wiesenfeld

Aşık olmuşum aşkından deli Divane adam denen bir ben kalmışım  güzelliğin uğruna bütün egolar ve şerefler yıkılmış bir gülüşüne Bir beyaz orkide misali dünyanın güzelliği senin hatırına var Gül ki aşık olduğum kadın bu güzel dünya bir ömür daha güzel kalsın hatırına

Orkide ve dünya

Orkide ve dünya aslında ilk okunduğunda anlamsız gele bilir insana şöyle açıklayalım sizlere herkesin ayrı bir dünyası vardır işte çoğu kişinin sadece çiçek olarak bildiği orkide nin anlamı da dünyada açan ilk çiçek demek tir o orkidenin tohumunu kim koyuyor derseniz Dünyadanız daki en değer verdiğiniz kişi koyuyor ve değer verdiğiniz kişide size karşılık veriyorsa yeşermeye başlıyor dünyanız güzelleşiyor o değer sevgiye dönüşürse Orkideniz büyümeye başılıyor karşılıklı sevgi ile de Orkideniz çiçek açıyor ama birisinin sevmeyi ve değer vermeyi bırakırsa dünyanızdaki Orkide yavaş yavaş yapraklarını dökmeye başlıyor bizler onu geri eski haline getirmek için göz yaşlarınız ile sula maya çalışsakta fayda etmiyor ve o Dünyanızı gülleştiren Orkide sadece iki şeye tutunarak hayatta kalmaya çalışıyor onlarda umudunuz ve o Orkide büyüttüğünüz kişile güzel anlıarız oluyor