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Living Alone - Blog Posts
Do you know how I feel? I feel like I’m drowning, and I’m aware of it but I can’t do anything.
I know I have to study a lot, but I can’t. I can’t get myself to do stuff, to concentrate.
I know I have to keep my house in order and do the dishes every day, do the laundry. But I can’t.
I am gaining weight and I know I should and want to eat healthy and not stress-eatings. But I do.
I know that I should be active more and workout so that I have a nice body. But I can’t do it more than one day.
I know I should take care of myself. But I fucking can’t.
And I hate myself for losing control like that, not being able to control my willpower. I hate myself for knowing this shit and still procrastinate and watch a movie instead or surf the instagram. I know I’m wasting my time, but there’s this voice in my head that’s just so strong, when I hear it I say ‘screw it you’ll do it tomorrow’. And the worst part is I am allowing that voice to control me. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what’s happening to me, it’s like I’m losing control over my mind and my will to do things. I am telling myself every fucking day that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be a new start, but I feel deep down that it won’t. I feel like I’m drowning in my own sadness.
I realized a few days ago that I’m in depression. And that hit me hard. I am alone, sad and depressed. And I am trying to fight this fucking thing everyday but I fail. You know what though? I don’t want to lose control to that little piece of shit, I don’t want to be unhealthy, fat and depressed. I will fight it and I will kill it.
And when I do, it will be the greatest win of my life.
You realize you’re lonely when you pass out on your couch while the lights are turned on, and you are too tired to stand up and turn it off and wish there was somebody there, so they would cover you with blanket and turn the lights off.
Note to self (& possible warning to others) If you: ×live alone ×have clothes in the dryer ×and are in bed don't read a scene where the female cop who lives alone has a freaking serial killer watching her sleep. Inside. The. House. Who knew the biggest peril of living alone, other than finances, is fiction!