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meltdown diaries #1
why is finding friends so hard i don't understand. I don't think I've had a friend irl or even really talked to someone my age in 2 years. I dont know what's so wrong with me. I'm 17, I'm supposed to have sorted this out by now. I don't know how to fix myself, I swear I've grown in these two years. don't know if it's my autism again but i just need friends. I like friends. I like talking. I have autistic peers at college and they have friends, but they all have their own groups and I feel like I don't fit. i just need something, someone. theres no clubs where I live so I don't even know where to find friends. the only thing I have is work college and my bed, and I can't go on like this. I just need the world to be gentle, just for once. I just want to laugh with someone who isn't my 15 year old sister who has to talk to me because we live in the same house. Im just tired, so tired. feel like I'll be alone forever, and I swear I'm a better person. I'm just shy. I wish I was normal, but it's always been this way, and it always will
One of my best friends has decided she wants to learn how to do makeup but she didn’t want to wear it herself because its bright colourful eyes and lips and glitter and she hates the attention.
Now. My entire closet is made up of brown and black and dark greens and blues. I do not wear makeup but I also don’t care about people starring. So now, she wakes me up every few days super early to do my makeup. And you know what? It’s one of my favourite parts of the day. She puts on my hot pink eyeliner and I walk to my modern literature class feeling hot as hell. Telling everyone my friend did my makeup so proudly. And I’ve suddenly realized that no matter how much I hate mornings and the fact that by the end of the day my makeup is smudged it is all worth it to see my friend beam at me when she sees me and I tell her how many compliments I got. Because she still won’t wear eyeshadow anything outside of neutrals and I still won’t wear clothes brighter than a navy blue. And its like I have a little part of her every time I go to class.