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Aziraphale And Crowley - Blog Posts
dear apparently extant people who are calling Aziraphale and Crowley queerbaiting:
If one of them had been a woman, there would be no question from ANYONE that they’re in love
there is not a single solitary “no homo” moment - p much every instance of queerbaiting will have at least one
ok so they didn’t kiss? like… this wasn’t a ROMANTIC COMEDY, y’all, the romance was a subplot and a very pointedly done one. They added OODLES of content between the two of them that wasn’t in the books, that - if it were, again, a straight couple - would be heralded as “clearly the development of a romance”, and on top of that why do angels and demons have to be sexual to be romantic? Like, fuck off with that.
just because they call each other “best friends” does not mean their relationship is 100% platonic holy shit your idea of relationships is actually scaring me, my wife is my Best Fucking Friend, and yeah sure I would call her my wife before calling her my best friend, but I also haven’t spent 6,000 years pretending to everyone but her that I wasn’t even FRIENDS with her, let alone in love with her, so maybe you can take into consideration the fact that acknowledging the friendship was just as - if not moreso - important as the fact they’re in love, given context?
I just.
What the fuck show did you WATCH????
The Bastile Summarized:
Aziraphale: I cannot speak French and I refuse to dress like someone that isn’t being actively guillotened right now. Also, I can’t perform miracles.
Aziraphale: Time for crepes, brioche, and a stint as damsel in distress.
Crowley, aka the one who turned Aziraphale into a hedonists: I have regrets.
Crowley: Are we going on a date or wot?
Good Omens S2 Incorrect Quotes 2
Nina: I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.
§
Nina: I'm not funny, I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.
§
Crowley: So jellyshish-
Nina, laughing: JELLYSHISH!?
Crowley: You know what I meant!
§
Maggie: Made you all playlists!
Maggie: Nina, yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul.
Maggie: Crowley, yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression.
Maggie: And Muriel has the ABBA Gold album.
§
Crowley: I have met some of the most insufferable people. But they also met me.
§
Crowley: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait.
Nina: You and me!
Crowley: *tearing up* Ok.
§
Crowley: Nina likes to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution,’ but I happen to believe you can be both.
§
Maggie: Today, Muriel said a swear word, so Nina said that they were going to wash Muriel's mouth out with soap. Muriel replied, “It’s okay, I like the taste of soap”. Turns out, they’ve been putting soap on their lips to blow bubbles.
§
Crowley: *raises eyebrows*
Nina: Put those back down!
§
Nina: Don’t be sad!
Crowley: Why not?
Nina:
Nina: I don’t have a good answer.
§
Crowley, to Muriel: Please, picking locks is my specialty.
Crowley: *throws a brick through the window*
Crowley: Okay, let’s go.
§
Crowley: While I'm gone, you're in charge Muriel.
Muriel: Yes!
Crowley, whispering to Maggie: You're secretly in charge, but I don't want them to feel bad.
Maggie: Obviously.
§
Nina: Do you need help getting up?
Crowley: Nah, I'm cool down here on the floor.
§
Crowley: My crush isn’t picking up on my hints.
Nina: What hints have you given them?
Crowley: Well, I think about them a lot.
Crowley: And sometimes I even think about talking to them.
§
Nina: How would you like your coffee?
Crowley: As dark as my soul.
Nina: Got it, one cup of milk coming right up!
§
Maggie: You know what your problem is?
Crowley: I only have one?
Good Omens S2 Incorrect Quotes 1
Police: You’re under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.
Nina, with Muriel and Maggie behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?!
Police: Yes…three.
Nina: Oh, my God— What the fuck!?
Police: Wha-
Nina: Crowley FUCKING FELL OFF!
§
Crowley: *coughs blood*
Nina: Don't die, Crowley!
Crowley: Don't tell me what to do!
§
Aziraphale: We have to plan, we have to figure something out.
Crowley: Aziraphale, when have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.
§
Crowley: I’m a masochist, not a loser.
§
Muriel: Hello, I'm Muriel. I work at a shop now. Here to help. Look, they gave me a badge with my name on it in case I forget it. Very helpful, as that does happen.
§
Jim: Do we have any orange juice left?
Crowley: *pours the remaining juice into their cup*
Crowley: Sorry, we’re all out.
§
Aziraphale: Okay, but what if we went to dinner not as friends this time?
Crowley: AS ENEMIES?!
Aziraphale:
§
Maggie: One time I went to hand Nina a bowl of soup. I wanted to say “Careful, it’s hot!”, and “Here’s your soup!”, so instead I blurted out “Careful it’s soup.”
§
Crowley: I’m gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.
§
Aziraphale: That sounds like a terrible plan.
Crowley: Oh, we've had worse.
§
Muriel: Where are you going?
Crowley: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide on the way.
§
Nina: Are you drinking enough water?
Crowley: Sometimes my tears get in my mouth.
§
Maggie: Why are you drinking?
Crowley: I drink when I'm depressed.
Maggie: But you're always drinking?
Crowley: *smug grin*
§
Crowley: I’m not mad, I just need to know why you two had a fake ID.
Muriel: *Incoherent mumbling*
Crowley: Huh?
Muriel: …You need to be 18 to hold the puppies at PetCo.
§
Crowley: My gender is in a constant state of flux.
@iswear-imnot-12 did some gorgeous fan art for a fic of mine over on Ao3. It is gorgeous, and I wanted to say thank you!
I just read this amazing good omens fic by @theangelwithawand and had to make a fanart!
This is a 1926 flapper Crowley;
Here are some of my favorite parts:
And my references:
If u liked, please go read it!
I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why “Every Breath You Take” is on Crowley’s playlist. Other than it provides the “E” to spell out ‘tempting’. But there’s plenty of other songs they could’ve chosen. So why pick the stalker song?
Then it occurred to me that it’s not about Aziraphale. It’s how Crowley feels Heaven and Hell watch him.
Thoughts on Aziraphale
Spoilers below:
I think its such a big step for Aziraphale to admit out loud that Gabriel (who enforced Heaven’s will) used be awful.
The reason he’s so flirty after the church scene is because he realized he’s in love with Crowley. But once Crowley leaves, and he has time to think over everything…he gets scared.
Season 2 Spoilers Below
Man, the “welcome home cheater” meme could be applied to Season 2, but not to Aziraphale. To the Bentley. Didn’t see that coming.
Crowley’s Type?
Season Two Spoilers Below
Okay, so when Shax and Aziraphale are in the car, Shax says to Aziraphale, “You don’t seem his [Crowley’s] type at all.”
…
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!
What does she think Crowley’s type is? What is she basing this assumption on? Crowley’s aesthetic? Did Crowley curate some kind of reputation as a lusty tempter of goths downstairs in some hilarious scheme? How?! He’s so bad at that kind of stuff!
Maybe she’s just preying on Aziraphale’s insecurities?
I need to know!!!!
On Crowley in the Book of Job
Season 2 Spoilers below:
I just…I’m having a hard time with Crowley tempting Aziraphale to eat.
Like, we just established that Crowley is not capable of true evil.
And he and Aziraphale clearly know each other enough to have a dynamic. Aziraphale clearly knows Crowley enough to have faith in his fundamental hidden goodness. And despite all of his pretense, that faith means something to Crowley.
So…why tempt Aziraphale? It feels so…uncharacteristically sinister.
Is he trying to get Aziraphale to fall too? But why? Some part of him obviously likes Aziraphale.
Maybe he’s trying to prove a point? But what is he going to do if Aziraphale falls over this? How will he carry that for eternity?
Maybe he knows Aziraphale won’t fall, and that’s the point? But how would he know that?
What’s the point?
On Aziraphale and Insecurity:
Spoilers below:
I completely forgot about the speeches Shax gives to Aziraphale. So much makes sense now.
- She says, “I didn’t think you were his type”
- She calls him “Crowley’s emotional support angel”
- She teases him about his love of human things, specifically food. Something Gabriel makes him feel bad about multiple times in season 1.
She brings up every perceived failing of his, and then moments later is given (read: manipulated) into atoning all of his flaws.
And him and Crowley both being angels who aren’t actually very good at it would put them on equal footing.
No wonder he makes the choice he does.
On Gabriel:
Spoilers below…
Oh, I see. Gabriel doesn’t care about Earth. (I never thought he did, but I just figured it out).
He didn’t just leave because he knew Heaven would drag him back.
He was trying to get himself cast to Hell to be with Beelzebub.
Which is sweet, but so…so selfish. Literally the opposite of what Aziraphale wants, who is selfless to the point of ruining the only thing in his existence that matters.
Season 2 Spoilers:
The only way for this to be fixed is for Aziraphale to be put in one last, very dramatic “Crowley and/or Humanity vs Heaven” situation.
And he chooses Crowley. He chooses their side. Bonus points if he does it instinctively.
Maybe we bring it around to the “I’ve never killed anything” bit from season one.
Neil and fic writers feel free to use this. Just give me credit. 😂
And when this happens, it’s gonna feel so good.
And it better end in their garden in the South Downs.
On Crowley’s Misunderstanding
Good Omens Season 2 Spoilers Below:
In episode 2 when Crowley asks Nina about Maggie she says, “Not a thing. Definitely. We’re just friends. Actually we barely know each other.”
This is verbatim what Aziraphale used to say about Crowley. And Crowley, who misinterprets the understanding between himself and the angel, says “Got it.”
He doesn’t get it. Yeah, it’s an excuse but it doesn’t mean “this is the person I’m deeply in love with, I just can’t say it”. It means, “We have some kind of deep connection but we haven’t worked it out yet”.
And Crowley just doesn’t seem to get that heaven is still a big part of Aziraphale.
He rejects Aziraphale too. Aziraphale asks him to go to Heaven with him and Crowley says no. And we the audience understand why, but Aziraphale doesn’t.
They’ve clearly never talked about any of this before.
Plus, throughout the entire season, he doesn’t seem to consistently know where Aziraphale’s loyalties are.
He says “the existence I have carved out for myself.”
Aziraphale is the one to say “I thought we carved it out for ourselves”.
Crowley straight up says that Aziraphale only calls when he’s bored, when he needs to gush about his good deeds, or if he needs something.
After meeting Muriel, Crowley says, “I don’t know how your lot have stayed in charge all this time.”
My point is dolphins that they need to communicate!!! Both of them are at fault for what happened, and yet how could they possibly know any better?
On the Nina and Maggie Parallels
Good Omens Season 2 Spoilers Below:
I love Nina and Maggie, and love everything they say in their final scene. But they got one thing wrong.
Yes Aziraphale does believe in magic. That he can fix a system beyond repair. But he’s nothing like Maggie aside from aesthetic. He does not show his emotions, not really. Not when it counts. Maggie tackles emotional issues head on while Aziraphale is the literal embodiment of repression.
Crowley isn’t an exact parallel to Nina, because he’s never actually opened himself up. Despite all of the atrocities he’s seen, he’s still got a bit of hope and optimism.
For all of his hard edges, Crowley believes in magic too. He believes in love confessions in the rain, in looking into someone’s eyes and knowing it’s meant to be. That “one good kiss” means happily ever after.
Good Omens Season Two Spoilers Below:
Remember when the bandstand and “you go too fast for me” and “someone killed my best friend” were our biggest problems? Those were simpler times.
On one hand, I don’t want the “Metatron drugged the coffee” thing to be true because character development and recognition of religious trauma, but on the other hand…
Also don’t listen to Queen’s These Are the Days of Our Lives unless you want to sob.
There’s a road to the South Downs, they’re just taking the long way.
(Luckily, the Bentley gets great mileage.)
On the Ineffable Bureaucracy Parallels
Good Omens Season Two Spoilers Below:
It’s easier for Beelzebub and Gabriel to run off together because they were the abusers.
Aziraphale and Crowley lived in constant danger for simply interacting, let alone if they had an actual relationship.
Gabriel and Beelzebub were also the ones in power and weren’t really facing the threat any kind of punishment.
I think their relationship is very sweet, but ultimately, it is nothing compared to the beauty and complexity of Aziraphale and Crowley.
I think Neil used a crackship to make a point. He could’ve given Aziraphale and Crowley a fluffy angst-free get together like Beelzebub and Gabriel do.
But how is that meaningful? (Obviously, part of me says “screw meaningful and let them be happy”)
How is that fateful to these characters?
That’s not who these characters are, at least not yet. Aziraphale in particular has personal growth to do before being with Crowley, he still has learning to do.
He’s finally allowed himself to accept loving Crowley, but wants to take the path of least resistance to be together. One where they aren’t actively hated by two very powerful agencies.
There’s a road to the South Downs, they’re just taking the long way.
On Wording in the Final Scene
Good Omens Season 2 Spoilers:
I’m doing a rewatch, but it has taken all day to watch the season. I keep pausing because I know what’s coming.
But now The Scene is here and…I discovered something that made it so much worse.
Aziraphale says, “Obviously you said no to Hell, you’re the bad guys.”
He doesn’t say “they” he says “you”.
We know that Aziraphale doesn’t see Crowley as a demon not really. Crowley knows what he is, but Aziraphale sees him as a Fallen Angel. It probably doesn’t help that Crowley also often minimizes his own Fall (like telling Aziraphale that he sauntered vaguely downwards). It probably confuses Aziraphale even more. He can’t reconcile that Crowley is a demon who is nice.
And I don’t think Aziraphale wants to “fix” Crowley. I think he sees Crowley’s Fall as a mistake, and that Crowley deserves to be an angel (because he still thinks angels are good).
And it makes sense for Aziraphale to think this way. He just witnessed Gabriel’s redemption. Gabriel who tried to brutally murder him, and callously dismissed human life.
And yeah, Beelzebub is a demon falling in love, but Aziraphale probably explains this as “Beelzebub is another Fallen Angel (rather than demon)”.
Which could perhaps mean that his view of evil is a little more complicated than anyone, himself included, give him credit for. He thinks demons are evil, but not beyond redemption.
But in the moment, Crowley doesn’t think about any of that. He just hears Aziraphale call him “a bad guy”. After everything. In the moment when it matters most, Aziraphale lumps him in the evil category.
And both my heart and Crowley’s shatter a little bit more.
On Aziraphale and Crowley in the Final Scene
Season Two Spoilers Below
Alright, I’m gonna go on the defensive for Aziraphale.
Crowley is 100% justified to feel the way he does. He put himself in a vulnerable position, and was rejected. He wanted to be Aziraphale’s first choice for once, and yet again was denied it. More than that, Aziraphale wanted him to change (even though I think Aziraphale thinks he’s saving Crowley) so that they could be together.
But I don’t think Crowley realizes just how deep a hold Heaven has on Aziraphale. He knows and straight up says that both sides are toxic, but he doesn’t seem to get how hard it can be to leave a toxic relationship. I also don’t think he understands how Aziraphale’s faith in the righteousness of God is a part of his character.
Plus, Aziraphale finally feels validated in the eyes of Heaven, something he’s always wanted.
I cried so hard when Aziraphale got into that elevator because I was thinking of all the times I stayed with a toxic friend group, or with my abusive ex.
It hurts so badly to watch a character I love make a mistake that I’ve made.
Aziraphale’s Possible Reasoning in the Final Scene
Season 2 Spoilers Below!
Okay, unpopular opinion, but I kind of understand why Aziraphale may think Crowley would want to be an angel again, if we put aside the queer allegory of conformity for a moment.
Aziraphale probably remembers the first time he met Crowley (then Rafael) when Crowley was building the stars. Crowley had such a look of genuine joy and wonder on his face.
Aziraphale thinks he is being kind. Obviously, yes he still wants to fix Heaven, which is a futile pipe dream.
But, Aziraphale wants to give Crowley the stars again, and he thinks bringing him back to heaven is the only way to do that.
Aziraphale wants to save Crowley from an existence of eternal damnation. To forever protect Crowley from Hell which he sees as the only source of evil and torture. He still has his blinders on and doesn’t realize this about Heaven.
He just doesn’t realize that Crowley doesn’t need the stars and he doesn’t need saving.
At least that’s what I’m telling myself to cope.
I can’t with these reviews:
- “Indulgent, Romantic, and an Ineffable delight”
- “The Sweetest Love Story This Side of Heaven”
- “A lovey-dovey shipper’s delight”
Like, these last hours are killing me!!!!
Also, I hope they put the opening of Aziraphale’s book shop in. It was deleted from the first season, but it’s such a great “crowley being mischievous and also needing Aziraphale more than anything” scene.
So, I’m rewatching Season 1 of Good Omens because we are hours away from Season 2. (I’m very normal about this obviously).
Anyway, I noticed a line that I had never really thought about.
And I finally realized just how hopeful this series is. It’s something I so desperately needed so enjoy…
After Warlock’s birthday when Aziraphale and Crowley are in the car, Crowley mentions that “it’s the last [party] they’ll ever have”.
So…he doesn’t think this plan is going to work. He thinks the world is going to end, The whole “influence the antichrist” plan is his idea, but he doesn’t think it will work.
The funny explanation is that he is convinced after seeing Warlock’s behavior (which included bullying Aziraphale. How dare), he comes to the conclusion that Warlock (who he still believes is the antichrist at this point) is pure evil.
However, Crowley has been visibly less optimistic about their chances (as seen on the bus) for awhile.
Even after Dog is named he bleakly states “we’re doomed.” Yes, he could mean himself and Aziraphale, but his back-up plan is to run away together. I like to think he’s including the two of them along with the humans. Earth is their home as much as it is the humans.
But despite everything, he still tries. He still does his best to save the Earth.
Yeah, he doesn’t want to lose his easy life on Earth where he doesn’t need to work hard and he can drink and drive and listen to music and see Aziraphale relatively unnoticed.
But deep down, despite all of the bad he sees humanity commit, he still thinks that they are worth saving.
When he’s in his apartment, yelling at God, he expresses that She “shouldn’t test them (humanity) to destruction. Not to the end of the world.”
A demon from Hell who has seen the worst of humanity for 6000 years still thinks we’re worth saving. Because he’s also seen the good. And for him, that’s enough.
And that’s honestly so beautiful.
Everyday it’s been getting closer and now it’s here!!!
I don’t know what to do with myself!!!!
Good Omens Incorrect Quotes 5
Still not mine.
Crowley as Aziraphale: *gets set on fire and screams in agony*
Crowley as Aziraphale: Nah, I’m just kidding. Fire does nothing to me.
Crowley: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly."
Warlock, T-posing in the doorway: Greetings, Nanny.
Crowley, not looking up from their coffee: Good morning, problem child.
Aziraphale: Please say words of encouragement to me so I don’t murder someone right now.
Crowley: There are no books in prison.
Aziraphale: *sighs* Thank you.
Aziraphale: Jesus Saves.
Crowley: Passes to Moses, SCOOOOOORE!
Crowley: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?
Crowley: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window.
Aziraphale: ...We're on the ground floor.
Crowley: I know but I want a dramatic exit.
Aziraphale: I made this friendship bracelet for you.
Crowley: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person.
Aziraphale: You don’t have to wear…
Crowley: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.
Crowley: So jellyshish-
Aziraphale, laughing: JELLYSHISH!?
Crowley: You know what I meant!
Crowley: What's gone wrong, Aziraphale?
Aziraphale: Hey! That’s one heck of a thing to say to a person. Just because I’m calling doesn’t mean there’s a crisis.
Crowley: That’s technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling?
Aziraphale: Well... There’s a crisis.
Crowley, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.
Aziraphale: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.
Aziraphale: Crowley? What are you doing here?
Crowley, wearing a hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and holding a gatorade: My best.
Newt: I’m here for the cult stuff.
Shadwell: How did you find us?
Newt: I saw your ad on craigslist.
Aziraphale: I am in charge of this disaster!
Crowley: I have a name, you know.
Crowley, wiping tears from their eyes: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it’s meant to be…
Aziraphale: I’m literally just going to the store.
Crowley: I have issues.
Gabriel: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is accept-
Crowley: With you.
Crowley: *on the phone with Anathema* I can’t talk right now, I’m doing hot girl shit.
Anathema: You’re pulling Oreos apart and saving off the frosting to make a mega Oreo, aren’t you.
Crowley: Maybe.
Crowley: Now, the recipe calls for 2 shots of vodka.
Crowley: *upends the bottle*
Aziraphale: Sorry, I'm late to the party. I've been doing things.
Crowley, entering in an unbuttoned shirt: I got caught up doing things too.
Anathema: Wow, Aziraphale was late too! What a coincidence!
Aziraphale: You spent all our money on THIS??
Crowley, putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: They live outside. They need this.
Crowley: Where are you going?
Aziraphale: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!
Crowley: I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday!
Anathema, knowing full well that Crowley got Aziraphale an engagement ring: *eating popcorn*
Crowley: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.
Aziraphale: You’re drunk.
Crowley: Correction: drinking. Present tense. Grammar, Aziraphale.
Aziraphale: Do you see yourself as a glass half-full or glass half-empty kind of person?
Anathema: Half-full, definitely.
Anathema: Half-full and constantly rising.
Anathema: Soon the water will escape its container and consume us all.
Crowley: Okay, but what if we went to dinner not as friends this time?
Aziraphale: AS ENEMIES?!
Crowley:
Good Omens Incorrect Quotes 4
Not mine but still fun
Aziraphale : There is no future. There is no past. Don't you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every fact.
Crowley : ...All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.
*
Aziraphale : Why are you on fire?
Crowley : This is just how my day is going.
*
Crowley : What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
Aziraphale : If you say "addict-ionary" I swear I will smite you.
Crowley : I was actually going to say "high definition", but your answer's much better.
Aziraphale : ...
*
Crowley , answering the phone: Hello?
Aziraphale : It’s Aziraphale .
Crowley : What did they do this time?
Aziraphale : No, it’s me, Aziraphale . It’s actually me.
Crowley : What did you do this time?
*
Aziraphale : You have your weirdly sincere humility.
Crowley : I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually.
*
Aziraphale , opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.
*
Aziraphale : I hate you.
Crowley : Well, according to this picture I drew of us holding hands, that is untrue.
*
Aziraphale , skipping rocks on a lake with Crowley : It’s such a beautiful evening.
Crowley : Yeah, it is.
Crowley : *whispering* Take that you fucking lake.
*
Crowley : I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses.
Aziraphale : The big five licenses?
Crowley : Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and… license to kill! I can't wait to get that one.
*
Aziraphale : Are you trying to seduce me?
Crowley : Why, are you seducible?
*
Aziraphale : I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”
*
Crowley : I’m having salad for dinner!
Aziraphale :
Crowley : Well, fruit salad.
Crowley : Actually, it’s mostly grapes.
Aziraphale :
Crowley : Okay, it’s all grapes.
Crowley : Fermented grapes.
Aziraphale :
Crowley :
Aziraphale :
Crowley : It’s wine.
Crowley : I’m having wine for dinner.
*
Crowley : I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows.
Aziraphale : I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.
*
Crowley : If we don’t get out of this alive… If we’re both about to die… I love you, Aziraphale !
*Neither of them die*
Aziraphale : …
Crowley : …
Aziraphale : So do you wanna talk about somethi-
Crowley : No thank you.
*
Crowley on Monday: *glues 5p to the sidewalk* Heh heh heh.
Crowley on Wednesday: *walking down the street* Ooh hey! 5p!
*
Aziraphale : You use humor to deflect your trauma.
Crowley : Awww, thanks-
Aziraphale : That’s not a good thing.
Crowley : All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny.
*
Aziraphale : When do you usually go to sleep?
Crowley : Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.
*
*Crowley is fighting a monster*
Aziraphale : Just stay calm! You already have everything you need to beat it!
Crowley : The power to believe in myself!?
Aziraphale : No, a knife! Stab it!
*
Crowley , grinning: I have a knife!
Aziraphale : Put it down, Crowley .
Crowley : Make me! *sprints away*
*
Aziraphale : Pick a card, any card.
Crowley : Fine.
Aziraphale : Wait, that's my credit card!
Crowley : You said any card.
Good Omens Incorrect Quotes Part 3:
Once again, I did not come up with these, I just have quote generator access…
Crowley : I'm having problems with a guy...
Anathema : Like his dead body won't fit into your trunk kind of problems, or you like him kind of problems?
*
Crowley : Who the fuck-
Aziraphale : Language!
Crowley : Whom the fuck-
Aziraphale : No.
*
Aziraphale and Crowley : I believe in you, Adam!
Adam, to themself: God, I must suck. The nicest thing they can think to say to me is that they don’t doubt my existence.
*
Aziraphale : There are some things beyond our understanding. We must accept them and learn from them. Because these moments of crisis are also potential moments of faith. A time, when we either come together or fall apart. Nature always has a way of balancing itself. The only question is, what part will we play?
Crowley : Did you just make that up?
Aziraphale : No. I read it in a fortune cookie once.
Crowley :
Aziraphale : A really long fortune cookie.
*
Crowley: Could you maybe just like… stab me… right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. ‘Cause that honestly seems less painful than this conversation.
*
Aziraphale, texting Crowley: Text me when you’re home safely.
Crowley: I’m home dangerously.
Aziraphale: Stop it.
Crowley: I’m home lethally.
*
Gabriel : Pardon the intrusion, but-
Aziraphale or Crowley: On this moment or just my life in general?
*
Aziraphale: Why shouldn't you put a toaster in a bathtub full of water?
Crowley: Because your toast would get soggy!
*
Aziraphale: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!
Crowley: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time!
*
Crowley, at Nina’s: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with um, seven espresso shots.
Mrs. Sandwich, in line behind them: Jesus Christ, just do cocaine.
*
Crowley, making coffee: This is going to fix everything.
*
Aziraphale: I have very high standards, you know.
Crowley: I can make spaghetti...
Aziraphale: Oh no! You're meeting all my standards!
*
Crowley: You can do it Adam!
Crowley: But if you can't, at least your death will be quick, painless, and really cool to watch.
*
Crowley: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*
Aziraphale: *standing on the roof* Bless you.
Crowley: God?!
*
Crowley: I'm sorry. Please talk to me.
Aziraphale:
Crowley: Hello? World's most amazing person?? Sweet pea? Precious cinnamon roll that's too good for this world, too pure?
Aziraphale: 'Sorry' doesn't bring back my fucking M&M’s.
*
Aziraphale: Is five a lot of followers?
Crowley: Depends on the context.
Crowley: On Instagram? No, not a lot of followers.
Crowley: In a dark alley? Yes, a lot of followers.
*
Crowley : You know what’s funny about Aziraphale ? They’re my best friend, and anyone who’d hurt them is someone I’d murder, probably.
*
Crowley : Are you busy?
Aziraphale : Yes.
Crowley : Cool, listen to this...
*
Aziraphale or Nina: How would you like your coffee?
Crowley: As dark as my soul.
Aziraphale or Nina: Got it, one cup of milk coming right up!
*
Crowley : I can’t believe all these people are wearing black. black is supposed to be my thing, they’re all just posers.
Aziraphale: Crowley, for the last time, we’re at a funeral.
*
Aziraphale: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, alright? Are we cowabunga on this?
Crowley, sighing: Fine. We're cowabunga.
*
Crowley : *trying to get five seconds of sleep*
Aziraphale, poking Crowley ’s arm: Crowley Crowley . Crowley . Crowley .
Crowley : WHAT?
Aziraphale : …We’re out of Capri Suns—
*
Crowley : Valentines Day? I'm ready. *Sprays an entire can of AXE body spray on themselves*
*
Crowley : *makes Aziraphale a cup of tea but puts salt in it*
Aziraphale : *sips tea*
Crowley :
Aziraphale : *finishes tea*
Crowley : Didn't it taste bad?
Aziraphale : Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all.
Crowley, tearing up: Oh, okay.
*
Aziraphale : How petty can you get?
Crowley : I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.
*
Aziraphale : Crowley, I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor.
Crowley : Hey, I'm sorry. Is this OUR stab wound?
*
Crowley, to The Squad: You should change your passwords to “incorrect”. Then, every time you forget it, the system will remind you, “your password is incorrect”.
*
Aziraphale : Not to brag, but I can go into the Spirit Halloween without crying.
*
Crowley : I wanna sleep for 40 hours.
Aziraphale : You know that's called a coma, right?
Crowley :
Crowley : That sounds so refreshing, I could totally go for a light coma right now.
*
Aziraphale : Ugh, crushes are so dumb.
Crowley : I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting stupid.
Aziraphale : But you’re always acting stupid?
Crowley : ...
Crowley : Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.
*
Muriel : Hey, aren’t you Aziraphale ?
Aziraphale : You a cop?
Muriel : No.
Aziraphale : Then yes, I am.
*
Aziraphale : Crowley ! Have you no dignity?
Crowley : Of course not! How long have we known each other?
*
Aziraphale : What are you drinking?
Crowley : Vodka.
Aziraphale : Straight?
Crowley : No, gay. Why?
*
Aziraphale : So you like cats?
Crowley : Yeah.
Aziraphale : *tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table*
*
Cop: You ran a red light.
Crowley : So did you, hypocrite.
Cop: I was following you.
Crowley : That was dumb, I'm a terrible driver.
Cop: Get out.
*
Aziraphale : What is the one thing I told you not to do?
Crowley : Burn the house down.
Aziraphale : And what did you do?
Crowley : I made dinner.
Aziraphale :
Crowley :
Aziraphale :
Crowley : And burnt the house down.
*
Aziraphale : Do you need help getting up?
Crowley : Nah, I'm cool down here on the floor.
*
Crowley : Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.
*
Anathema: At first I thought you were foolish and incompetent.
Crowley : My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression. It was an honest mistake, I swear.
*
Aziraphale to Crowley : Turn that frown upside-down!
*a little while later*
Aziraphale : What are you doing?
Crowley , trying to do a handstand: You told me to “turn that frown upside-down” but it’s not working .
*
Gabriel: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?
Crowley: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.
Incorrect Good Omens Quotes Part 2:
I know a lot of these have been done but this is partly just for me.
Crowley: My crush isn’t picking up on my hints.
Anathema: What hints have you given them?
Crowley: Well, I think about them a lot.
Crowley: And sometimes I even think about talking to them.
*
Aziraphale: Okay, but what if we went to dinner not as friends this time?
Crowley: AS ENEMIES?!
Aziraphale:
*
Crowley: *angrily presses Aziraphale against a wall* WHERE'S THE MONEY?!
Aziraphale: ...
Aziraphale: Are we about to kiss-
*
Crowley, throwing their head into Aziraphale's lap: Tell me I'm pretty!
Aziraphale, lovingly stroking their hair: You're pretty f***ing annoying, that's what you are.
*
Crowley: Aziraphale is playing hard to get.
Crowley: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.
*
Crowley: This date is boring!
Aziraphale: This isn't a date. I said I was going to the store.
Crowley: Then why did you invite me?
Aziraphale: I didn’t, I specifically said "don't come with me," then you said, "f*** you Aziraphale I'll do whatever I want!
*
Crowley: Aziraphale and I are no longer dating.
Aziraphale: Crowley, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.
*
Aziraphale: I owe you one.
Crowley: That’s ok. You can just date me and we’ll call it even.
*
Aziraphale: Come to dinner tonight. I can’t cook, but I’ll bring plenty of free wine.
Crowley: Marry me.
*
Crowley: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for millennia now. No response.
Aziraphale: Wow. They sound stupid.
Crowley: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.
Aziraphale: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”
Crowley: I guess you’re right. Hey Aziraphale, I love you.
Aziraphale: See! Just say that!
Crowley: Holy f***ing s***.
Aziraphale: If that flies over their head then, sorry Crowley, but they're too dumb for you.
Crowley: Aziraphale.
*
Gabriel : Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?
Crowley : Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.
*
Aziraphale : There's nothing worse than people using big words they don't understand.
Crowley : I photosynthesize with this.
*
Aziraphale : Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?
Crowley : It was autocorrect.
Aziraphale : Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me."?
Crowley : Yes.
*
Aziraphale and Crowley, to the angels/demons: I'm allergic to death.
*
Crowley : I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.
*
Crowley : Don’t worry, I have a permit.
Aziraphale : ...This just says “I can do what I want”.
*
Aziraphale : You know, Crowley , when you generalize, you tell general... lies.
Crowley : ...
Crowley : Are you trying to teach me moral lessons through puns.
*
Crowley and Aziraphale : What’s up? I’m back.
Shadwell or Heaven/Hell : I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead
Crowley and Aziraphale : Death is a social construct.
Good Omens Incorrect Quotes Part 1
Yeah, I found the incorrect quotes generator so…
I know some of these have been done but…
Crowley: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.
Aziraphale: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.
Crowley: I said within reason, Aziraphale. How about I murder that guy?
Aziraphale: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?
Crowley: Well, duh. What kind of question is that
*
Aziraphale: I have feelings for you.
Crowley: Why? What's wrong with you? Are you sure you're okay?
*
Crowley: Aziraphale, you love me, right?
Aziraphale: Normally I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won’t like.
*
Crowley: Relationships should be 50/50. Aziraphale cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.
*
Crowley: My hands are cold.
Aziraphale: Here, let me hold them.
Crowley: My lips are cold too.
Aziraphale: *covers Crowley's mouth with their hand*
*
Aziraphale: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.
Crowley: That's great, Aziraphale. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6000 f***ing years.
*
Aziraphale: Are you sure Crowley's even gay? They barely even looked at me.
*
Crowley, sweating: Aziraphale, there’s something I need to ask you-
Aziraphale: Finally! You’re proposing!
Crowley: How’d you know?
Aziraphale: Crowley, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner.
Aziraphale: I even picked it up once.
*
Aziraphale: You have to apologize to them Crowley.
Crowley: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!
*
Crowley: I am so cool. I am an absolute Chad. I am the epitome of coolness and awesomeness—
Aziraphale: Hi.
Crowley: *melts down in a flustered heap of softness*
*
Aziraphale, to Crowley: We had a date!
Aziraphale: *aggressively points to Hello Kitty Coloring Book*
*
Aziraphale: Are we fighting or flirting?
Crowley: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-
Aziraphale: Your point?
*
Aziraphale: Is something burning?
Crowley, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you.
Aziraphale: Crowley, the toaster is literally on fire.