Coming Out Of My Cage And I Been Doing Just Bad. Going Back In My Cage Because I Like My Cage

Exactly! Especially when we want nothing more than to be accepted for who we are, only to somehow keep screwing things up

To be autistic is to live in a constant state of yearning that can never be fulfilled

It’d be kinda nice to actually be a real dragon. Have a “little” treasure hoard and no one questions it. Be able to fly wherever I want. Eat mass quantities of food because I can. Scare or otherwise get rid of people who annoy me or are needlessly mean or are just my enemies. I don’t know, I just think it’d be kind of neat

@ironcastva yo this you when you talk to fey creatures? This feels like something you’d pull

"Your parents named you IRON?" Shouted the fey, while screaming in pain. "yes they did."

Reblogging because I wholeheartedly agree. Diagnosed system or not, all are welcome. That’s the way it should be.

-Another diagnosed system

Since apparently there's a rise in people saying how diagnosed systems don't like/don't want to be around self diagnosed systems: Self dxed systems ily and you are 100% welcome here, and will never be judged differently for your diagnosis status. I personally believe whether or not you are diagnosed does not say anything about if you are misinformed or not (I have seen plenty of diagnosed systems spread a shit ton of misinfo), or whether you are exhibiting "anti recovery behavior" (recovery is a very personal thing that looks different for different people- and being in earlier steps in recovery also doesn't equal being "anti recovery"). You are loved and supported here, and you will always be treated as equal to diagnosed systems here.

-Sincerely a diagnosed system <3

(My bad lol I was going for a lack of tact because people don’t know how to communicate properly sometimes. I’ll make my next one more lighthearted frfr)

"Actually… i think i fell in love with you…"

"Damn man, i wish i could help you out fr. Goodluck on your problem tho"

Werewolf

That’s it. That’s the post. That’s all I got

I can’ttttt I’m fairly sure she’s not interested

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

Finally started playing Nine Sols, and while I haven’t really gotten all that far (like maybe 20 minutes in tops) I already freaking love the art direction of the game. Everything looks SO GOOD! It blows my mind every time I enter a new area how well it blends into the previous one. Also the COLORS! Everything is just so stinking good about this game so far. Here’s hoping the story continues to be good.

Sooooo I know I said I’d probably post some art here from time to time, but like I lowkey haven’t had the time to do any since starting school. I wanna draw so bad but I just don’t have time