I’m Sorry We Haven’t Been In Touch For Years. I’m Sorry That I Didn’t Text You Back When You

we’re talking again. although i no longer have feelings for you, i don’t know what i should do. the friendship we once had is still one i remember well—our good conversations, the way you made me laugh, i didn’t forget it all. i don’t try to remember it but it was good while it lasted, and i’m okay with the way we are now. talking to you again just leaves me torned between keeping you for the sake of our friendship and cutting you off for the relationship i used to hope we would someday have and now no longer want.

— is it finally time to let you go? i know i’ll see you again someday, but it won’t be on our own accord. that’s not the kind of relationship we have. not talking to you or the opposite doesn’t really matter much. i don’t want anything more for us but it doesn’t change the nature of our relationship… we’re still friends after all.

i wish to take you somewhere safe, somewhere far away from bad things and bad people who want to hurt you. i wish to take away your pain and that numb feeling in your chest when your friends and their parents walked pass you. i know i may not be your lover nor someone you’d consider close but is it wrong to want to help? is it wrong to not want to be that someone that sees someone else’s pain and doesn’t do anything about it? because i didn’t once and that person grew up to be someone they never thought they’ll be. is it even wrong to wish it would be different with you?

— you don’t deserve to become someone you don’t want to be because of the bad situations in your life.

marina grace

finally i’m doing something good. finally it’s me over everyone else. for so long, it was easy to be anyone else in the world, to say yes to everyone else but myself. it was so easy it was subconsciously done. i didn’t even realise just how much i was hiding, how much shame i didn’t want to show. worse, it was loud. the shame was so loud i couldn’t even swallow it whole. and finally i could recognise it in myself. finally i stop trying to swallow it down. finally i’m not scared to choose me.

— i’m not going to apologise for saying no. if anything, i bravely say yes. i’m saying yes to myself, to who i am, to a life without shame and fear. my dear, you’re good enough, you’re doing enough. you can choose yourself and still have the whole world in the palms of your hands.

marina grace

what would you do when you realise i no longer like you? when, instead of my attention being immediately on to you, i’m too busy with other things to care about someone that used to matter—and instead of trying to talk to you, trying to see you, staying up longer just to have your time, i’m actually just doing my own thing, caring about myself, no longer trying, no longer doing absolutely everything just to be by your side.

— how would you feel when the waves of my heart stop flowing towards you?

marina grace

i’m scared. i’m scared of the dark. i’m scared of monsters under my bed. i’m scared of public speaking. i’m scared of seeing my friends fought for something so meaningless that our friendship broke along with it. funny that i’ve always been scared of little things and you, my best friend, told me that the scariest thing in the world is never scary and i didn’t believe you but you hugged me and told me it was okay to be scared because you’ll always be here for me. and then we grew up and you found new friends and a line of people waiting to date you and left me all alone with bad excuses because we both knew you couldn’t lie. and we drifted further apart and i stared at my phone that night, wanting to call you but didn’t, watching it slowly turn to weeks then months then years. i did some self healing then and when i saw your name on my screen for the first time in forever, i was reluctant to pick up. i did anyways, not because i wanted to renewed our already damaged friendship but because in the span of a few years, i’ve grown to move forward and stop living in the past. but from your call, i can hear the sound of loud music blasting in the back, the conversation between strangers next to you and your friends cheering and yelling and swearing. you told me you were sorry and that you still regret ending our friendship so harshly but i told you it was okay and take care of yourself because i realise now that while i worked hard to move forward, you’re still stuck in the past.

— like you said, the scariest thing in the world is never scary but the things you thought weren’t scary are.

marina grace

growing up, i taught myself that i didn’t need anyone, that i am perfectly fine without love or friends. i was wrong, because in the process of teaching myself it was okay to have no one, i pushed away those people who genuinely loves me, and growing up, i realised that while it is great to be perfectly fine without love or friends, it doesn’t mean that i can’t have one. it means that i can and that even without them, i am perfectly fine too.

— it’s okay to have no one and it’s also okay to have someone but it isn’t okay when you’re pushing everyone away to be stronger when sometimes, it isn’t them who makes you weak. it’s you.

marina grace

you were blue but you were beautiful, the kind of beautiful that rip my heart inside out and the kind of blue that left me drowning in the tears you’ve shed when you thought no one was watching. i thought you were so extraordinary, that you painted such a lovely shade around things and people could only glimpse at you in awe, watching that beautiful blue spread everywhere and leave traces all over the place, blue that tipped from sky to sea and it was all you because that blue was the only colour you could paint, that this world made you blue and you were so colour deficient that blue is the only thing you could give to people like us, people with colours. i’m just sorry i didn’t realise you needed saving until that blue is gone and the blue i’m left with were no longer extraordinary but the kind of blue that empties out all my colours and leave everyone wondering how i became the blue you used to be.

— you painted the world blue and when you left, i became the same blue you spread, empty but beyond beautiful.

marina grace

I will never let anyone bring me down, and I hope you all can say this with me too. Life has given you many encounters with so many people from all walks of life. Some were good encounters, some were mean and downright embarrassing. Some left you flustered and some left you lingering for more. But regardless of which specific emotions they made you felt, they affected you in some way. Comments may have dug at your self-worth, words that may have dismissed or invalidate your feelings, hidden jealousy or envy that seemingly “good” people hide. They all amount to something, and they might’ve even brought you down, pressured you, saddened you. But now, you’ve come out of it, stronger, better, wiser. Don’t let the past grip you tight. If you remember past pains, past hurt, let it be your wisdom, not your wound. Some people may have brought you down, but that’s exactly why it is to never happen again. That’s why it is necessary that you repeat to yourself: no one can hurt me, no one can bring me down. And remind yourself that you are wise enough to know when to leave, wise enough to know when to stand up for yourself, and wise enough to know at first glance that they are not your people and you will not let them become someone who can hurt you.

i find it so ironic that after a year, you contacted me first. it was something so insignificant, just a video from our past. and yet here i was antagonising having to be the first one to reach out between us. and no, we’re not fighting, we never were—but in my head, when i decided to ghost you last year, i knew i was better off than to keep hoping for something i wasn’t even sure i want. i did it for me and i never regretted it even though sometimes i’d wonder if you wish you did more than this, try more than me.

— anyways it doesn’t matter now that a year has gone by. without you, i let myself grow into someone better. i’ve found many people who are better, and i’m more sure now than ever that i deserve someone better. thank you for reaching out to me first, even if it was over something so insignificant, i guess it won’t hurt to send you a message in reply after all.

marina grace

until dawn, i will wait. under stars and midnight clouds, under bright moon and fading sun. i will wait until dawn, until the very first light peeks through the sky. i will wait for the time when yesterday is no longer yesterday but when yesterday becomes today.

— until dawn, i will wait.

marina grace