Decrepitasylum - There's No Snow In February

I'm taking this as a ghosting/breakup. 4 years to nothing I guess.

when you are very bad for years, people no longer worry.

you become invisible, a ghost.

I can leave now, everyone has forgotten me.

i have always been fat. even as a kid. I've never known to see myself skinny or bones at all. i literally cannot imagine how I'd look skinny. and I fucking hate it. the issues should have been worse when I was younger, maybe that would've fucked my brain more and I could have done something right with my life.

the fact that I sit in the auditorium, in the dark, until the bus. it's a perfect place to cut (because I hate and refuse to go into the bathrooms here)

i just gotta hope the cameras (if there's any in here) don't have night vision.

but I think I may start bringing my blades officially now.

i wish everyone would shut the fuck up

well, mom now knows about the scars on my upper arm (which are deep styros and barely baby beans) and oh yay.

she seems these as "too far" (she thinks some should've had stitches. like no? they weren't deep enough for that)

i had to explain to her that I don't care how this affects others (like, you're not being physically cut into so like, why should it matter how it affects you? emotionally? try again, I don't care about that)

I had to "promise" not to do that deep again (I will) <-but will have to be careful because I dont want to be strip-searched.

downside, I have some deep ones on my forearm and near wrist that she doesn't know (that might cause a strip-search if she sees those, which fucks me over because my thighs are the worst place)

dropping off the Internet again (not posting or responding to anyone for probably a week again) and debate suicide

i don't know what's going on anymore, I'm just gonna blackout until the 12th

I'm about to lock myself in the bathroom and cut. I'm talking with Z about A. we're trying to fucking find him. he's been on Spotify in the past week and Pinterest like a month ago.

is he ignoring us? but why? and for 3 months? did we do anything? if something is or was wrong, why couldn't he have just, I don't know, said something?! even if it's vague or blunt, anything would be better than this.

wonder how he'd feel if he knew and saw the extent of my cutting and scars.

he should leave me. i don't want to be cared about. (he doesn't care about me anyways, made that clear)