I Genuinely Feel Like I'm Dying. My Chest And Heart Fucking Hurt Now. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? What Do I Mean

mind is being vaguely religious again

vaguely religious thoughts are back, drop all friends when school is done, break up with partners, (try to) get a job, kill self before 2026.

it feels so weird and wrong starting over. i don't like this.

well, mom now knows about the scars on my upper arm (which are deep styros and barely baby beans) and oh yay.

she seems these as "too far" (she thinks some should've had stitches. like no? they weren't deep enough for that)

i had to explain to her that I don't care how this affects others (like, you're not being physically cut into so like, why should it matter how it affects you? emotionally? try again, I don't care about that)

I had to "promise" not to do that deep again (I will) <-but will have to be careful because I dont want to be strip-searched.

downside, I have some deep ones on my forearm and near wrist that she doesn't know (that might cause a strip-search if she sees those, which fucks me over because my thighs are the worst place)

hate that I'm 19 and done with high school now

gotta actually find a job, especially if I plan on taking a gap year or not going to college at all

you don't care you don't care you don't care about me. I told you. I told you and you only acknowledge it with a "oh" before changing topics. what's new. nothing's fucking new cause you don't care about me. you'll respond with the same thing if I told you I'll be bleeding out on the bathroom floor tonight.

why's my dog being a weirdo an licking the blood from my carpet

is it bad I want someone to do bad things with. to cut with. get high or drunk with. go around at night with. do teenage things with. but no, cant and couldn't have that.

if anyone has reblogged my posts, can someone tell me? i would like them back (you don't have to)

i was rotting-in-the-forest