✨Stay Safe ✨

ohh my gosh the notes today?! and the nice comments and messages?! everything is so Meaningful and real, y’all are too sweet, honestly! aaaah avoidants <3

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”

— Carl Jung

Being Kind doesn’t mean becoming a complete pushover. You can be kind and have very clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable to you.

Hey friend, in case no one told you today:

I just thought it may be a good time to tell you that you did great today. Even if things weren’t perfect, you did your best.

I see your hard work and I see how much it took to do the thing. Great job!

I’m really proud of you.

AvPD theory: social perfectionism

Avoidance as social perfectionism.

“This relationship will be doomed from the start ... so there’s no point trying to make friends.”

“I’ll inevitably say stuff wrong and make things awkward ... so there’s no point in starting a conversation.”

“I might be having a good day, but I won’t always be energetic, clever and likable ... so there’s no point in reaching out.”

These examples share some common links:

negative self-esteem

avoidance of anxiety/discomfort

seeking control and certainty

trying to meet others’ expectations, or avoid disappointing them

Thoughts, anybody?

(more here!)

Recovery is like cleaning out a house that’s been through a hurricane.  There’s mud a foot thick on the floors; some of the windows are cracked; there’s leaves stuck in cracks you didn’t know existed.

So unlike in the movies, there are no “breakthrough moments”, where you suddenly realize one thing and the whole house is clean.  Oh there may be important turning points – moments when you realize that those aren’t frosted windows, that’s dirt, and you need to clean it off, and that’s why it’s so fugging dark in here.  And that is an important breakthrough, in the sense that without it you would not succeed in cleaning the house, but then you still have to clean the windows.

Therapy is just someone who’s had experience with post-hurricane cleanup, Consulting over the phone, recommending tools and giving you advice. “Start with the floor,” they say, when you’re too overwhelmed to even begin, and they tell you what shovel to buy.  So you start shoveling, and it’s HARD, and you’re exhausted all the time, and you’ve only shoveled out the front hallway, and it feels like it’s never going to really get better.

But you do get good at shoveling, and slowly you build up your strength, and after a few months you can shovel as much as you need to, but there’s still a LOT of mud here, so it takes a year to get that shoveled out, and your house is still muddy and the windows are cracked (and frosted), and there’s still debris everywhere, and every time you walk around you’re stepping an a quarter-inch of mud, but you CAN walk around, you can get anywhere you need to go, and the house is still a fucking mess, you’re a fucking mess, a disaster not fit for human habitation, but on the other hand you can no longer convince yourself that “nothing’s ever going to work”.  It can get better.  You can point at things that used to be super-fucked-up and now are only moderately-fucked-up.  Progress is possible.

But then again, you’re not making any progress anymore. You thought you had the hang of it, but now the shovel isn’t working, and every time you shovel mud out of one place it slides into another and you’re not making any headway and you can barely pick up any mud with your shovel anyway and so maybe that was it – you had a nice run, but this is as good as it’s ever gonna get, you’re still gonna be fucked up forever, and you finally bring it up to your therapist, and they nod, and tell you to buy a hose.

So now you’re hosing down the floors, and that’s a new skill set to learn, and it splashes everywhere, and now you’ve got mud on your walls, but it does get the floor clear.  But you hosed out the front hallway, and then realized that to clear out the living room you’re gonna have to hose it out into the front hallway, which means the hallway’s just gonna get messy again, so then you have to redo the front hallway, but you start planning out which rooms to do in which order, so it goes pretty smoothly after that, until the day when you’ve got all the big mud puddles gone, but there’s still mud on the walls, and stuck in corners, and no matter how hard you spray you still end up with this thin coating of mud-dirt-dust on the floor after it dries, and honestly you’re making more of a mess than you are cleaning up a mess at this point. And you express your frustration, and the therapist tells you where to find, and how to use, a mop.

So you mop all the floors, and it’s actually looking pretty good, and you remembered to start mopping from the inside out, so that’s not a big deal, until you open a door and realize you forgot to shovel out the pantry. You didn’t think it could get into the pantry, with the door shut, but there it is, mud 3 inches thick, and the only way to get it out is to shovel it, and you’ll have to take it through the kitchen, so you have to shovel out the pantry, and then hose down the pantry, and then re-hose the kitchen, and then mop the pantry, and then re-mop the kitchen, and EUUURGHHHJHH.

But you’re really good at it, at this point, so it’s not like it’s a big deal.  It’s irritating af, and you’re sick to death of doing this, but it’s not scary, or overwhelming, or horrifying.  It’s just really, really annoying.

And the fact is, you will never be done cleaning.  Even if there’s never another hurricane, there’s dishes, and dust settling on counters, and spills, and mud tracked in after snowstorms, and laundry.  There’s not some magical moment when you’re “done”, and you can stop working forever (except possibly, depending on who’s right about the afterlife, after you die).  But you do reach a point where you it transitions from “impossible” to “meh, just a thing”

You do reach a point where you look around, and you’re kinda proud of what you’ve done You do reach a point where you recognize that your current tools aren’t doing the job you need, and you research and find and learn how to use a tool all on your own. You do reach a point where, when you see a storm coming, you know how to prepare for it, and you purchase and lay out all the supplies you need, and when the storm finishes, you can get your house back up and ready in practically no time at all. You do reach a point where storms aren’t so scary, because you know how to weather them and you know for a fact that you can recover from them. You do reach a point where friends ask you for tips on how to clean their houses You do reach a point where, every time you need a tool, it’s one you already posses. You do reach a point where you’ve replaced all the windows and sealed up all the cracks and replaced the insulation, and for the first time, you’re comfortable all the way through a winter. You do reach a point where someone compliments you on how clean and comfortable your house is. You do reach a point where you’ve done all the remediation, and you can start remodeling the house to fit your needs.

So yeah, it’s a lot of hard work that’ll never be done.  But it’s also so, so worth it.

if you miss someone who does not miss you, or who is no good for you, or is unattainable, take all the love you once felt for them and spread it around other places. put your love in worthwhile people and things, turn the romance in to passions for hobbies or admiration for others- enrich your own life. focus on yourself and those who actively make you happy.

Hi, I hope you dont mind me asking you, but do you know anything about agoraphobia caused by avpd? Bc I have avpd and am increasingly becoming more and more scared to leave the house, I cant go to school and yet I have to. Im not sure what to do

Hi there! Sure, I’ll share what I’ve figured out.

What is agoraphobia?

This word is often used for “anyone who doesn’t leave their house.” But it’s actually connected to panic disorder. It’s about avoiding panic attacks, or places it’s hard to escape from – where panicking would be especially rough.

People with agoraphobia feel unable to deal with (or cope with, or ride out) their panic and anxiety. Which is why instead, they try to prevent the attacks by avoiding triggers – staying at home.

So here’s how agoraphobia and Avoidant Personality Disorder are linked.

1. They both rely on avoidance, to the exclusion of any other coping mechanism.

Uncomfortable emotions – fear for agoraphobia, shame for AvPD – get the same solution every time: Avoidance. Anytime we feel bad, we avoid more.

If this goes unchecked, all other coping mechanisms gradually fall away and are forgotten. At first, avoidance seems like the only choice that works; later it seems like the only choice that exists.

This is how people get stuck.

2. They both involve anxiety reinforcement due to avoidance.

In short: The more you avoid something, the more you’ll fear it.

This is a huge part of basically all anxiety issues; it’s why anxiety tends to get worse and worse. Here’s a link (TW for eating disorder mention).

If you avoid something for long enough, doing it feels scary, even if it wouldn’t have been scary otherwise. (Ask me how I know!)

This anxiety builds fast, as soon as you start avoiding something. But luckily, when you start doing the thing again, it decreases quickly too.

3. They both result in withdrawing from the outside world.

There’s a definite tendency to stay at home – for AvPD, too. Why?

I think people feel more able to cope with things, when they’re at home:

There’s no extra embarrassment, no need to hide how upset you feel.

Access to most or all of your best coping resources (like distractions).

(for agoraphobia) Fewer adrenaline triggers – the arousal of your nervous system, which is interpreted/experienced as panic.

(for AvPD) Fewer situations where someone will try to connect with you, risking visibility and rejection.

So when you leave home, you have fewer coping resources to use, and you get more stressors to deal with.

4. They’re both about protecting yourself from an uncontrollable emotional experience.

With both disorders, there’s this terror of being defenseless to your emotions.

People with agoraphobia feel helpless to control their anxiety and panic.

People with AvPD feel helpless to control their shame when criticized.

There’s no way to buffer or shield yourself from what you’re experiencing.

You’re at the mercy of your emotions – they seem out of control.

Being unable to trust your emotions is actually traumatic. That’s why in therapy, one of the things people learn is how to cope with and tolerate their feelings. (DBT specializes in this! Here are some basic lessons.)

Components to think about:

Reliance on just avoidance, rather than a flexible variety of coping skills

Neglect of other coping skills, and other areas of your life/identity

Inertia due to anxiety reinforcement (more avoidance = more fear)

Stuff that seems to help:

Learn how to deal with your feelings. If you can, find someone who will teach you DBT, or study it on your own.

In particular, learn to cope with anxiety. For instance:

breath and relaxation practices,

“worst result, best result, most likely result” reasoning,

planning and preparing for likely outcomes,

reframes: “Today I am practicing. No matter what happens, I’m going to learn something from it. So even showing up is a win.”

Find and try lots of different coping techniques. Experiment!

But – you don’t have to choose the perfect method. Often, what helps you get clarity is the act of stopping to do some self-care.

Identify what your big stressors are.

Look for any adjustments or tools to make it more bearable.

Set aside time, before and after, for self-care.

Start observing yourself.

Don’t judge, just take notes about your reactions to things. There’s no good or bad data – it’s all just useful.

This is especially hard but especially helpful during a crisis. It gives you something to do & focus on – so you don’t feel as helpless.

Getting out of the house is so, so difficult when it’s something you haven’t done in a while. I’m in the same boat, and I’m still figuring it out myself.

Hopefully this gives you some clues about what you’re facing & what you need!

Much love <3

^NPR link.

Under the rules of the order, renters have to sign a declaration saying they don't make more than $99,000 a year — or twice that if filing a joint tax return — and that they have no other option if evicted other than homelessness or living with more people in close proximity.

There is an EVICTION MORATORIUM in the entire U.S. until the new year, but you MUST declare it to your landlord in order for it to be effective.  This does not cancel your rent, but it will delay a potential eviction.  PLEASE share this info so that those who need it, have it, bc they aren’t being vocal in promoting this.

source

drive-by advice: find ways to recharge your extrovert batteries without draining your avoidant ones!

here’s a shortcut – 

is there stuff that doesn’t involve direct socializing at all, but still lets you extrovert and absorb experiences?

for example

going to a music concert or festival

a sports game

a flea market or farmer’s market

traveling

visiting a public park

eating at a restaurant

driving in traffic

walking through the city

hiking

spending time with animals/pets

expressing yourself creatively

people-watching

reading forums or nonfiction books

and under the readmore, I’ll throw in some questions that might be helpful to think about~ good luck!

try and figure out what types of socializing you like, and what you don’t like. think about the people involved, and the level of personal interactivity:

how many people you’re with

how well you know them

the location

any distracting activities you’re doing

whether you’re doing the activities together (like playing video games against each other) or individually (like studying), interacting actively or passively

is there a pre-decided/built in time limit?

and (very important)

the level of personal connection / vulnerability / visibility while you’re with them

as an extrovert, what makes you feel better? what kind of interactions seem really satisfying to you? (there are different shades of extroversion; there’s no right or wrong answers, the important thing is to figure out what works for you and what you need)

do you need to have a personal discussion with someone in order to feel content? or just talk about random (impersonal) stuff? or casually bump into each other throughout the day? or hang out quietly in the same space?

(also consider, who qualifies? if there’s more than one person, what common traits do they have? how do they make you feel? can you generalize what it is about them that makes them good to spend time with? + who else do you know that fits those traits?)

and with your AvPD:

what kind of stuff makes you super avoidant? (this is hard to think about, but try, even tiny clues are helpful!)

what type of interaction do you really dread? try and identify what aspects of it are contributing: is it being around too many people at one time? too few? people you know very well, or not well enough? the environment – in public vs. semi-public vs. private? settings that discourage talking (movie theater, library) vs. encouraging it (eating a meal together)? what about when you’re at home vs other places?

okay, one more point:

if you don’t currently have anyone to interact with in positive ways, or if meeting people is one of your biggest problems right now, still think about this stuff. try and imagine your ideal situation to socialize in, with all these variables. really picture what you’d enjoy!

and then if possible, go do those things, even if you do them alone. 

why? because the kind of person you want to hang out with is gonna be drawn to the same places & activities as you. you don’t even have to “be friends” with them if that’s not what you’re looking for; you can just meet up to {play pool, video games, chess, basketball} or be workout buddies or watch new films or whatever you’ve figured out is what you want. especially if you want someone who’s not invested in forming a Close Emotional Attachment – then you’re basically looking for a person who cares more about {whatever activity}, and they’re probably already there.

plus, even if you don’t (or don’t want to) meet anyone, you still get to do fun stuff that you enjoy! and that generally makes life a little better :>

if you DO want to really make friends with someone -- in the typical sense, with mutual support and trust and sharing feelings -- you can still do it that way! though there are other ways to meet people as well.

but you see it all depends on how you want to connect with people. that’s why, in any scenario, it’s important to figure out what you want and need :)

being extroverted and avoidant fucking sucks

I don’t have personal experience with this, but I’m sure it is and I’m sorry that you’re struggling. And I’m also sure that plenty of others are dealing with the same thing, so know that you’re not alone. I wish you the best!

- Shinji