I Cried Today.

Its 12:55am and I'll study as if my exam is tomorrow...I'll update you on how it goes

I just studied for 1 hr today.....my day was wasted 💔

I try to be the person with low requirements cuz I genuinely feel that's my only plus point but it's sad when you realise your "friends" take advantage of it

I started a productivity challenge for myself a few days ago....I was barely conpleting it. Only able to tick off 1 item off my to do list. I was still procrastinating watching tv shows, reading fanfictions, daydreaming. I still started this challenge of productivity, I was falsely trying to convince myself that I'll make it, that atleast I started with baby steps such as thinking about this, then posting the first 3 days of it on tumblr. But the real reason that I did this was because I was afraid I was gonna fail my physics exam. This was the fear inside me that I was trying to hide from myself and the people around me. And that is exactly what happened to me, I failed my physics exam and you wanna know the worst part? I kind of don't really care. And my parents didn't care either. Not in the way that you're thinking but last year in 10th grade, I was always being pushed to do best and my mom did so much for me, she used to teach me but since 11th I've heard it from so many people that 11th goes bad for every pcm kid and everyone suffers a downfall from 10th to 11th. But I literally failed. I went from getting atleast 95% to not even passing. That's how low I have fallen and i haven't cried yet. I feel like since I've been exposed to too many people saying that bad grades are literally a cannon event in 11th, I've grown numb to getting low score. Even though I'm realising this and writing it out, I'm still not feeling the sadness and the determination I know I would have felt in 10th and this is so sad. It is so disheartening. And tbh I'm clueless on how to study now. I have 2 days for the retest. A part of me is still sad about the indifference and the lack of emotion I'm showing regarding this.

lately I've been putting off so much work and I am getting so irritated. rn also I am writing this when i should be preparing for my tution test. hoepfully i get good marks.

DATE : 13-3-25

Aim: IIT Bombay,CS

5/100 So I didn't post anything for the last two days cuz I was exhausted. But anyways yesterday was my last exam and yesterday I also went to my coaching so it was a hectic day. Now even though my school exams are over, I still have my coaching's reshuffling test to worry about and I really need to study properly or else I'll remain behind. I have 11 more days. and it's not even full uninterrupted 11days, no, Holi is day after tomorrow. I have school and coaching both in between and and I have just started with the syllabus, I have to cover everything from scratch cuz I wasted most of my 11th but it changes now. Anyways enough of my ramblings. hours studied on ypt today:

The people who have accomplished the things you want are not better than you. They are not more skilled than you are. Their mindset is simply different. Their mindset inspires new habits and attributes that contribute to a strong sense of self-belief and enables them to overcome obstacles, achieve their goals, and lead fulfilling lives.

Fortunately, this is something you can work on and have complete control over.

If you want to change your life, these are some of the things you should be working on within yourself.

Self-awareness: Successful people have a clear understanding of their strengths, weaknesses, values, and goals. They are aware of who they are and what they want to achieve.

Positive mindset: They maintain a positive outlook on life and view challenges as opportunities for growth. They focus on solutions rather than dwelling on problems.

Resilience: Bouncing back from failures and setbacks quickly. They see failures as temporary and use them as learning experiences to improve and grow.

Self-motivation: You need to be internally driven and have a strong sense of purpose. Successful people set goals for themselves and work persistently towards achieving them.

Confidence: They have confidence in their abilities and believe in their potential for success. They trust their judgment and are not easily swayed by others' opinions.

Adaptability: They are open to change and embrace new experiences. They are willing to step out of their comfort zone and take risks to pursue their goals.

Discipline and consistency: They practice self-discipline and maintain consistency in their actions. They set routines, establish habits, and follow through on their commitments.

Emotional intelligence: They possess a high degree of emotional intelligence, understanding their own emotions and the emotions of others. They can manage their emotions effectively and maintain positive relationships.

Growth mindset: They believe in their ability to learn and develop new skills. They see setbacks as opportunities for improvement and are open to acquiring new knowledge and experiences.

Self-care: They prioritize self-care and well-being. They recognize the importance of taking care of their physical, mental, and emotional health, which helps them maintain a positive mindset and stay motivated.

I need to study because I want to get in the best college/ university so that I can get good placement and starting package can be good also to have sophisticated and quality education compared to the rest of the people. I really want to be the girl who would make it above average. I want to be that girl who is disgustingly overeducated so that the second anyone has a question I am the first person they turn to and I am able to answer that question surely without a doubt on myself or my answer. I want to be appreciated and known for my knowledge because that is also the one thing that no one could ever take from me. tbh i just want to be that person which other parents use an example infront of their kids.(I swear this is the Indian in me)

I don't think I could ever hate my life. I can hate days, hate people, hate things, hate situations (absolutely hate situations) but never myself or my life because deep down I know that I still deserve better and that I'm gonna get better, everything's gonna get better even though everything is falling apart rn, even though I'm just trying to numb everything through addictions.

my parents specially my mother always judge me on my marks....they'll scold me.....they want me to do well and it's understandable cuz i failed physics and thats very low for me cuz last year i got 95. They are screaming at each other, finding tuitions so I do better (mind you, I already go to school AND COACHING) so much happened and none of them sat next to me and just asked "what happened? what problems did you face?" NOOOOOO they are convinced because things went according to me last year. Everything I do must be wrong, every way i did things must be wrongs.......and they are so misinformed (I want to just scream now) I can't even call it misinformation cause that would imply they have information but NOOO they don't have the full picture nor are they trying to see the full. they don't know what it's like to live through it and they want to dictate everything because ofcourse last year i did everything according to myself and i failed. They are (my mother is....I swear she is a witch for me now) convinced that everything they do is gonna turn out great because that is exactly what happened 2 years ago. BUT YOU STUPID PEOPLE, I WASN'T GOING TO COACHING **AND** SCHOOL THAT YEAR, I WASN'T HAVING **THAT** BIG OF A SYLLABUS . but yk what I don't have the energy to talk to them right now because they just pull the marks.....they just pull the fact that I FAILED and I am acting as if doesn't bother me. you dumbshits, ofc it bothers me.....I've been crying everyday in the morning but why would i show it YOU when I know you're gonna taunt me about it? Do you think I'm stupid?