Don't Care How Long Ago This Was Posted But I Live For This. Holy Fucking Shit

Don't care how long ago this was posted but I live for this. Holy fucking shit

Where is the fic where Sonny takes time off from SVU and goes on Master Chef and charms the fucking world? Because, “Oh, I’m just a fourth-generation Italian boy from Staten Island who learned to cook from my grandmother.”

Viewers: “Ah, yes. One of you again. There’s always one of you.”

Sonny: “Yeah, so in my day job, I’m an NYPD detective who works in sex crimes, and I go home at night and cook to help me process what I do, you know? Like, it’s violent and awful but victims of sex violence deserve so much more than what we do for them, so I go home and cook and feed my family and my friends to help me remember I do my best to do good in the world.”

Viewers: “…okay, we’re listening.”

So, Sonny sort of just does his thing the first few weeks, working hard and being nice and there’s some conversation amongst viewers that he might not have the needed hard streak to win, and then the challenge is cinnamon rolls, and Sonny’s confessional is just him being gleeful. “Oh, this is great! I make these all the time with my goddaughter, and my niece, and my boss’s son and my co-worker’s grandson, and they’re basically my nephews. I mean, they calls me Uncle Sonny, so I consider them my nephews.”

Viewers: “If he doesn’t win this, we riot.”

Sonny wins it. Instant memes about a cinnamon roll who makes perfect cinnamon rolls. 

It’s Sonny’s first win, which means it’s also Sonny’s first immunity, which means it’s ALSO time for people to find out Sonny is a ball of sunshine but will also cut a bitch who is being mean. 

There are, as required by reality show law, three Dedicated Assholes ™ that early in the season. Sonny does his very best to set them all up to fail. Gordon asks why. 

“Because there’s a difference between using asshole tendencies as needed to get results and just being an asshole.” 

Viewers: “Holy shit. What just happened.”

All three Dedicated Assholes ™ make it through the pressure test. They all threaten to ruin Sonny in their confessionals. Sonny shrugs it off. “You can be a good cook and an asshole.” 

Instant meme #2.

So, Sonny goes along, being so nice and sweet and kind, but also his sarcasm starts peeking through some more because now producers are shifting the story line as Sonny continues to impress. One of the Dedicated Assholes ™ tries to shit talk Sonny’s wardrobe. 

“You dress like we’re supposed to be impressed by you.” 

Sonny’s spent the whole competition in work clothes, save his suit jacket His sleeves are always rolled up. His vests are buttoned. Every tie he wears was a gift from Rafael. His hair is always styled. He dresses this way because it’s so often how he cooks, and it helps him stay relaxed. 

“I dress like I cook,” Sonny replies. “And if you’re jealous I can pull this off, you should see my partner. Master of the power contrast.”

(When that conversation airs, Rollins spits her wine halfway across the couch and soaks Fin in Chardonnay. Olivia just laughs as she watches with Noah, and Rafael pauses Hulu to make out with Sonny for ten minutes.)

Viewers: “Wait. Partner? Like, his cop partner, or is he with someone?”

And sometime halfway through the season as Sonny is talking to another contestant, he drops that coming to Master Chef has been super great because it’s cleared his head and let him really think about his options.

“You think you’ll stop being a detective?”

“Yeah, maybe not right away, but in a couple of years. I think it’s time to shift gears.”

“Would you cook?”

“No. I mean, I’m doing this because I love it, but I still want to be a prosecutor.”

“Like, doesn’t that require law school?”

“Oh, yeah, but that’s done. I passed the bar years ago.”

Viewers: “WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED.”

Dedicated Asshole #2 ™ becomes the last standing Dedicated Asshole and tries to mock Sonny’s achievements. “God, it must be so hard to live your life and have a law degree then just get to wander over here and be on Master Chef.” 

“It must be so hard to taste what you’re cooking when your mouth is so full of shit.” 

Internet Meme #3.

And, like, throughout the whole thing, Sonny’s talking about his family and his partner, and there contiues to be confusion because “cop partner or partner-partner?”

And then Rafael Barba, in his very best peacocking suit and tie and socks and suspenders and shoes and pocket square, shows up for the family challenge and walks out from the back, and Sonny RUNS to him and kisses him into next week. 

VIEWERS: “Okay, so partner-partner.” 

For the challenge, Sonny makes an Italian-Cuban-Southern fusion that has Gordon worried he’s going to die, Christina amused because what the hell, and Aaron is just ready to get in there because it smells amazing. 

Sonny wins the challenge, and Gordon looks up at Rafael and says, “He really makes this at home?”

“About twice a month. He’s got to feed the work wife.” 

Which is how everyone finds out that Sonny’s cop-partner is his best friend and he’s godfather to her daughter, and she’s Southern. 

VIEWERS: “OH COME ON.” 

They show some personal moments after the challenge, and the internet explodes because Sonny and Rafael are so into each other it’s disgusting, and what starts out as a simple catching up turns into a heated argument about a Fifth Circuit decision that just got handed down, and someone actually gifs the whole thing and tags it #relationshipgoals.

So, Sonny makes the final (natch), and producers fly in Rafael and Sonny’s parents, and Sonny absolutely brings his A-game, but he doesn’t win. One of the others just barely surpasses him (as generally happens in the final), and in the final shot of Sonny on the show, he’s beaming and saying about a thousand nice things about the winner, and he’s got Rafael tight against one side and his parents against the other, and his mom is holding up a picture of all the other Carisis, and Rafael’s holding up a “Hi, SVU!” sign (because they don’t want to put the squad on national television).

A few years down the line, Master Chef runs a “where are they now” segment for past winners and finalists. Sonny’s a prosecutor and he’s still constantly cooking, and he’s just all smiles and happiness and surrounded by people, and the internet remembers he exists and explodes all over again.