She's Straight

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

november rain

take away the pain and

replace it with something

warm, for i do not care

for these wet and cold 

thoughts. 

~K.T.

mental health day

i took a mental health day today

it took me 20 minutes to convince myself

but i did it

and i read a book

and colored

and it was so easy

i wish everything could be that easy

but its back to school tomorrow

i am terrified that

if i start loving her

i will never be able to

feel anything else again.

to be swallowed whole

by something so profound—

i'm not sure i would be

strong enough to survive

the tide that followed.

i would spend the rest of my life

trying to cough her out of my lungs.

-mars

SESTINA FOR A HEALED WOUND

therapy

it was so easy to blame my parents

for not getting me help

for not noticing that i needed it

i blamed them so i did not have to blame myself

for not advocating

for being scared

for disregarding all the advice i give to other people

but now they noticed

and im still scared

and what i've thought i needed for so long

maybe won't work after all

everyday it’s like. tomorrow will come and it will get better. and sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. and that’s how it is. and we have to keep hoping and hoping and hoping because you never know if the sun will shine or not the next day. and you know it will always eventually shine.

romeo

"i don't even like her anymore" i say

"i'm completely, 100% over her"

but

sometimes

when i let myself glance at her

i understand how romeo felt

shouting at that balcony

Dreams to Unfold

hope, he wrote

not a whole poem

but a note in bold

daily diary reminder to his soul

just a simple idea

that words matter

when fighting fear

so he chose, hope

in this pivotal year

when what we hold

is dearer than dear

all we will ever know

that the seeds we sow

grow an intimate garden

flower petals painted gold

dreams waiting to unfold

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

©️ @followcb ☆ April 28, 2024

One day I will stop falling in love with you. Until I do, I'll be thinking of you.

k.b. // laufey, philharmonia orchestra - let you break my heart again