Pink As A Tragedy

Was tagged by @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city to do the recreate yourself in this image maker: https://picrew.me/image_maker/197122

So here I am: dark hair and pasty skin = basically a fairy vampire xD

Answer 21, Tag 21

Tagged by the wonderful @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city

2. Zodiac Sign: Leo (Greek), Horse (Chinese)

1. Nicknames: Ana, Princess Leia (back in the day when I had hair long enough to do her cinnamon roll buns for real)

3. Height: 5′5 and 3/4

4. Hogwarts: Hufflepuff

5. The Last Thing I googled: Star Wars summer outfit (anyone ever notice no one in Star Wars wears shorts?)

6. Favorite Musicians: Within Temptation, Imagine Dragons, Lindsey Sterling, anything written by Joe Hisashi

7. Song Stuck in My Head: Red Right Hand by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

8. Following Now: Depends on the site (I have a lot of art sites)

9. Followers: Same answer as before 

10. Do I Get Asks?:  Not recently T^T

11. Amount of sleep?: 8-9 hours

12. Lucky Number: 3 or 9

13. What I’m Wearing: My white Chinese flats with blue embroidery and ankle frog ties, dark forest green jeans, a white tank top with porcelain teapot pattern (delicate vintage florals), an electric blue cardigan/throw with matching lace decal down the back, and silver jewelry (dangling drop earrings, a white gold necklace depicting the Children of Leer from Ireland, a lotus and Ankh ring from the King Tut tour, and a ring that says ‘We’re All Mad Here’)

14. Dream Job: Writing YA novels full time

15. Dream Trip: A river cruise down the Nile in Egypt

16. Favorite Foods: Chocolate hazelnut anything, Chicago pizza, and Japanese Royal Milk tea

17. Instruments: Piano, voice (that so counts as an instrument - I had voice lessons)

18. Languages: English, Spanish, a little Japanese, working on Ancient Egyptian

19. Favorite Song: No Light, No Light by Florence + The Machine

20. Random Fact: I have petted a manatee in the wild (which is illegal, but I didn’t know that at the time!)

21. Aesthetic: Asian, Art Deco, and Art Nouveau inspired patterns and designs set on white backgrounds. English cottage decor with dark woods, butterflies/bees/dragonflies, roses, and skeleton keys. Vintage 1940-50s dresses paired with ballet flats in jewel tones or iced pastels.

(Sadly, I don’t have 21 people to tag, so I’m just going to skip that step ;P )

Things I didn't realize I could do despite NOT being Posh/Rich

Namely because I grew up not seeing it done in my own family so assumed I wouldn't ever be able afford to, or that was a class rule thing that I wasn't allowed to break lest I be perceived as a social climber or inadvertently saying I'm better than my peers.

Yay my Autistic black and white logic.

Since coming to these realizations, whole new levels of joy have opened up in my life.

(In no particular order)

#1 - Trimming my nails so they were all the same length on each finger and both hands

I’m honestly not sure what made me think I couldn’t trim my nails so they were all the same length. I grew up seeing adult women in my circle have uneven nails on their hands vs posh women with professionally manicured hands so maybe my mind just made the correlation. I always thought that the even nails were so elegant and wished my could be even too, but the women in my family didn’t care about manicures, and to be fair, I didn’t and still don’t like wearing nail polish, so even if I had worked up the nerve to ask for a manicure, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it.

But then one day when I was in my teens, I randomly, from the corner of my eye, watched a bit of some tween animated show (maybe Bratz?) and one of the girls broke a nail and then went on about how now she was going to have to trim all the other ones to match. And my mind was blown.

I realized then that having my nails all different lengths upset me. It didn’t matter if one or two of them had grown in very nicely if they didn’t match the rest. In fact, I was perfectly happy with them all being trimmed to the nubs if it meant they were all the same length.

I still have yet to get a professional manicure and I still don’t like painting my nails. I tend to keep my nails fairly short because I do martial arts and bake and gardening so having them short is practical. And having them all even makes me happier than a few of them looking elegant.

#2 - Having matching sets of themed underwear

As a teen and into my twenties, my bras never matched my underwear. Because I was raised on the kind of underwear you get in large packs. My mother openly scoffed at the pantie displays, saying pantie was such a vulgar term, and from the media it seemed wearing matching sets of underwear was reserved for “the bedroom”. Whenever I passed by a Victoria’s Secret, I’d see the piles of lace and my good Christian girl brainwashing had me roll my eyes and tell myself that I was better than the uncouth masses for not wearing such highly sensual underwear since obviously one only wore it if one was expecting to have intercourse with a man.

And then I discovered matching socks weren’t just a fashion statement limited to men.

Socks growing up had also followed the same rule as purchasing underwear - cheap and in bulk. But then I got several ballet flats and realized my normal socks were not going to go well so I got several pairs of cute floral socks to match with my outfits.

I also had been going to therapy recently and had started lifestyle changes like going to taekwondo three times a week and incorporating more healthy foods into my diet (I’m still pretty picky because most healthy foods aren’t safe foods for me, but smaller changes like using 100% whole wheat bread and drinking 2% milk have helped a lot).

Long story short, I was feeling more positive and comfortable and confident in my body and treated myself to some new clothes. Because I had also discovered Torrid - a clothing store that designs clothes specifically for women like me.

And after get a new wardrobe, the likes of which I never thought I’d get to have because all the cute clothes everywhere were too small for me, I realized I didn’t need a reason besides wanting to feel pretty to buy matching underwear sets. And to have enough to last me two weeks without repeating!

I’m such a visual person and it took me a long time to realize and embrace it. Sometimes I just open the special drawer where I keep all my pretty underwear and admire them.

#3 - Spaces beside your bedroom can be themed

By now the visual theme is well established. Stimming for neurodivergent people can take on my forms through the various senses - it’s not just limited to “flapping”. Visual stimming is my biggest stim. Nothing makes me happier than staring at beauty.

My bedroom has always been my sanctuary, especially growing up. We moved 8 times my first 18 years and my mom, being the artist that she is, tried to make the transitions easier by letting us pick a new theme for our rooms every time we moved.

The rest of the house outside my bedroom never seemed to have a theme. It was the 90s-2000s and if you don’t know the aesthetic for that time period consider yourself lucky. My parents also collected things from the places we moved and the trips we had gone on, so the rest of the house looked pretty chaotic to me (especially since in my room everything had to have a place and god forbid a single pillow was out of place).

I didn’t stay long enough in my first two apartments to put any effort into them (first one was while working as a teacher in Japan and the second was when I was in grad school). But when I got my first real job and my first real apartment, that’s when I realized I could decorate however I wanted to (because I was starting from scratch).

It took some trial and error to figure out what worked for me in each of the rooms. Obviously I couldn’t spend massive amounts of money, but with a little creativity I managed to cultivate spaces that made me happy.

My kitchen is very Japanese inspired - white base with sage green accents, bamboo blond pieces, and black or white appliances. My bathroom is white with navy colored middle eastern inspired accents. My study is white, blue, yellow, and green, the focal point being from a large Ghibli Castle in the Sky mural. And my bedroom is cottagecore fairytale with a base palette of white, green, yellow, red, and dark woods.

#4 - I can collect art from my favorite artists

For the final visual theme, ART. Growing up, my mom was a freelance artist. Our home was decorated with pieces she had made herself. From osmosis, I assumed either you were rich enough to buy original pieces, you were creative enough to make your own, or your were neither and were reduced to the cheap mass produced pieces one bought at hobby stores.

I inherited my mother’s talent for art and felt I couldn’t hang up anything on my own walls unless I had made it myself. Because why by someone else’s work when I could make my own?

But this was a problem because what I made didn’t always seem good enough for me to stare at it for hours and that would just make me grumpy.

And then I discovered that a lot of my favorite digital artists had shops. And from those shops, you could order prints.

And I realized buying prints was actually a very important thing to do, because it was supporting a freelance artist, like my mom had been. And what could be better than that? Plus I got to have beautiful pieces hanging in my place for me to stare at and visually stim to.

#5 - Just because something is a name brand and expensive doesn’t mean I can’t buy it if I can afford it

For years my mother has pointed out that I have expensive taste. For some reason I tend to gravitate towards the priciest items without even knowing how expensive they are. She also has a tendency to tell me I’m terrible with money (though living on my own without going into debt for over 10 years now should have proved to her and myself that that isn’t true).

Naturally this evolved into a strange complex of me thinking I didn’t deserve to buy name brand products.

And then I discovered Torrid (which by my upbringing is a name brand), and threw caution to the wind to buy clothes that I loved despite them not being on sale (though I still waited for sales and used discounts whenever possible).

And then I heard a rumor that Mazda wasn’t going to be making the Mazda3 model that I was in love with (because so many things about it from the color to the chassis reminded me of my favorite transformer, TFP Knockout). My old car was starting to break down and I decided I had saved enough for a new car (because it seemed getting a house where I lived would never happen anyway), and I bought my brand new dream car.

I know Mazda and Torrid probably aren’t considered high end name brands by posh people, but to me they are. Because growing up my clothes came from thrift stores or Walmart or from the sales racks at Kohls. I was never allowed to buy anything new at full price. When my family got new cars, the old ones had to be dead and the new ones were purchased for their practicality, not their looks.

My parents kept a tight leash on their finances. Both came from poorer families that had to make hard decisions and be creative to get by at times. And I appreciate the money saving tips they gave me.

But this is my life, and I need to find and make my own happiness. That doesn’t mean buying whatever I want whenever I want, but it also means not denying myself little luxuries because I don’t think I deserve them.

SPOILER FOR BOOK OF BOBA FETT (episode 6)

*********

My personal head canons:

What Luke is really going to miss when Ahsoka leaves are her stories about the diplomatic general, the queen turned senator turned spy, the hero of the republic, and the adventures (messes) they got themselves in and out of. Especially the bits where his dad did something reckless (stupid) and Obi was snarky about it.

When Ahsoka leaves, Luke tries to get R2 to tell him more stories but the cheeky little droid insists on only telling him about his solo adventures during the clone wars (or claiming the restraining bolt and the thing that tried to eat him on degobah messed with his memory banks).

Every now and then Ahsoka will look at Luke’s hair or eyes, note the color, and smile.

Luke tells Ahsoka about Leía and she’s amazed how much of a mix of Padme and Anakin the twins turned out to be. She’s also not surprised that Padme’s daughter fell for a bad boy ace pilot with a devilish grin.

Luke purposely chose that place for the academy because it has enough wilderness for training - but not the kind that you have to worry about ships sinking into bogs, stepping on slime, and you can always see what’s in the water. Plus, no parent would be willing to leave their kid on degobah.

Tagged by @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city (Thanks! I always have fun doing these :3 )

The rules: describe your personality with 4 characters (from books, movies or series)

1. Belle (Beauty and the Beast 1991)

2. Evie Carnahan (The Mummy)

3. Makoto Kino, AKA Sailor Jupiter (Sailor Moon)

4. Veralidaine 'Daine' Sarrasri (The Immortals book series)

Favorite Sonic IDW Moments 💙🦔💨 Part 4

No healing for this curvy girl in Bridgerton season 3 (slight spoilers)

I was so looking forward to this season and seeing a woman with curves get honest to goodness romantic sex scenes.

For so long the sex scenes with curvy girls in film have been shown with a tone of humor or disgust or pity.

And Bridgerton season 3 was supposed to change all of that. Except it didn’t. Not for me, anyway.

Because while other Bridgerton heroines have been stripped clean of their clothes, with their entire body on full display, Penelope was not.

In all her scenes she was never completely undressed save for one brief moment that isn’t even shown fully. We get one quick glimpse of her glorious bosom and then she delegated to being covered up with a blanket. Colin goes so far as to pull the blanket to cover her up more at one point!

We don’t get to see her beautiful curves. They’re continuously hidden like it’s a shameful thing to show a woman whose waist isn’t small, with a stomach that jiggles, thighs that don’t fit neatly in a man’s hands, and breasts that aren’t small and perky.

What I got out of Bridgerton season 3 is that yes, you curvy girls can have a love interest who isn’t also plus size, but only because he thinks you’re interesting, not because you’re beautiful. And yes, being interesting is going to last longer than beauty, but is it too much to ask to be both?

It seems even today on a super progressive show, the answer is still “yes”.

Leaving Fundamentalism...

...was hard for me. From birth, I was raised in a radically conservative family of Christians. But even at a young age, I didn’t feel connected to the beliefs I was spoon fed in every aspect of my life. 

I was made to feel guilty for not having blind faith. I was made to feel like I was a horrible person when doctrine was explained and it still didn’t make sense. I was made to feel shame for faking ‘my beliefs’. All for the sake of obeying my parents and being accepted by the only community I was allowed to be in.

But finally, after years of pressure and self doubt, I’m finally free.

There are still things I’m working on. I still am triggered and feel sick at the thought of entering a church or when I hear Christian music. I’m still trying to push aside the anti lgbtq+ thoughts I get automatically, even though I know the only reason I was against them was because I was told I was supposed to be - and without that harmful religion dictating my thoughts, there’s no reason why I should be against them.

And while I still have a ways to go towards a life where the trauma doesn’t affect me all the time, I can see the progress I’ve made already.

When I hear someone - like my family or random person - talk about Christianity, I now feel the same level of indifference towards it that I feel towards other religions with flawed beliefs/doctrine.

Yes, every now and then I still have that sense of dread that if I don’t believe in Christ that I’m going to suffer in hell for all eternity (such a wholesome thought that stems from a religion that says its based on universal love), but for the most part, now I can remember all those Bible stories and treat them the same as Greek myths. I can respect that someone’s Christian beliefs gives them comfort, but I don’t have to agree with them to be in a relationship with them. 

Finally, I’m free to be on the outside and look in with indifference.

My bedroom bookshelves:

The main reading collection

Closeup on my Thrawn collection

And my Darth Maul collection

(And in case anyone was wondering why I have shelves dedicated to SW characters, it’s because all my other favorite books are too obscure to have merch)